Round of Applause

Boregasm

2007-01-30T15:48:00.000-05:00

It was early afternoon on a cold snowy day when I woke up from a nap, bleary eyed and content. I had been napping for a short time, but still long enough that it seemed my friend had never left for class like she told me she was going to just before I closed my eyes. On the television was Comedy Central, I had been watching stand up specials before drifting off. While trying to fall back asleep for just a little while longer, a name floated off the television and into my head: Dane Cook.

Now, I've had many discussions with people about this guy before, but nothing very serious. As I recalled his name now, however, I remembered an article that I read at Slate.com, an online opinion magazine. The review wasn't positive or negative, but it's probably not something that Dane Cook would put up on his refrigerator either. After reading through that article again, I traveled to a favorite website of mine, the Internet Movie Database. I looked up Dane Cook and like any IMDb page, the most interesting part were the forum posts at the bottom. I was surprised to see a post about somebody who didn't think Dane was funny. I clicked it and expected an onslaught of comments attacking the original poster. Instead, I was surprised that most people agreed with him. This surprised me because every time that I say that I don't think Dane Cook is funny, everyone jumps on my case.

It's not that I don't like Dane Cook (although I have said so in the past), it's just that he's not a funny comedian. It may just be me, but I think that comedians should be funny. I understand that some people think he's funny and a lot of people find much to relate to in his work. I can relate to his work too actually. I grew up Catholic but I don't find his Catholic jokes funny. Accurate? Yes. Funny? No. Dane Cook really is one of the most popular observational comedians, but the way he presents his material just isn't funny to me. I'll chuckle occasionally, but he never makes me laugh hard out loud, he never has.

Again, I like Dane Cook. Since becoming a celebrity, he's treated his fans better than any celebrity I've ever heard of. He seems like a genuinely nice guy and always goes above and beyond the call of duty. This is a very redeeming quality, but it doesn't make his work any funnier. Also, he's a good actor. I enjoy watching him on screen. "Waiting" was quite the funny movie and he was pretty good in it. I also was really excited to see "Employee of the Month" when it first came out and although I never actually got around to seeing it, I still hope to.

A lot of people take offense to this and become defensive when you talk ill of Dane Cook's comedic talent. It's great that Dane has so many people to fight so vehemently for him. Most of these people argue, however, that people like myself don't like Dane only because he's become so popular. Somebody commented that just because the guy who made the thread on IMDb.com wasn't on the Dane Cook bandwagon before he became popular that he's feeling left out now and therefore has turned to berating Dane. This isn't such a horrible theory, it's definitely probable that this could happen to a few people. That same thread on IMDb, however, had another fifty or so people who also think Dane Cook isn't very funny and it's very impractical to believe that their motivation for this is all because they feel left out.

How many people need to be in agreement on something before it becomes an acceptable opinion? It reminds me of Napoleon Dynamite, a movie that many people found hilarious. I was so excited to see it for so long because I heard so many great things about it. When I finally got around to seeing it, however, I was highly disappointed. Not only was I not laughing, but I was getting annoyed by the movie. I quickly found that I wasn't alone in this thought because most of my friends weren't that enthralled with the movie either. So many of my friends felt this way that I started to wonder where all the hype came from... it's still a mystery.

As for Dane Cook, I really like the guy and enjoy watching his movies. I don't think I'm just hating on him because he's popular. The fact that he's popular though, caused me to really look at him and watch his stuff. After doing all of that, I found he just wasn't that funny. There are far funnier comedians out there. Nick Swardson is always good for a laugh, Daniel Tosh can be quite the gut-buster, Ellen Degeneres has always been hilarious, Bob Saget has a form of crude humor that's fairly appealing, Jim Gaffagin is a popular comedian who deserves the attention... I could go on, but I'd have to actually think about more names rather than just pulling them off the top of my head.

Sorry if you don't agree, but this is just a thought that struck my head after coming out of a restful nap. Also, it's my blog, so I can write whatever the hell I want.

If you want to read the Slate article, go here: http://www.slate.com/id/2151046/

Here are some reviews of Dane Cook that I agree with in content even though I think they have a cruel tone to them:

Rob Sheffield of Rolling Stone - "Yeah, we get it: the world's hottest comedian, a success story, the MySpace Generation, blah to the blah, but where are the fucking jokes?...It's like he's a lovable character Will Ferrell made up for an upcoming media-prank comedy, Funny Guy: The Legend of Dane Cook."

Comedian Ron White has criticized Dane Cook's lack of real material, calling him a "Smoke and Mirrors" act. (I agree with this, although White goes on to criticize Dane Cook for his arrogance, something I don't really see.)

Mastering the ART of Beer Pong

2006-10-10T19:45:00.000-04:00

Since the start of the semester my friends and I have greatly increased our beer pong skills. We used to be novices and now we're experts. We practiced, and practiced, and kicked ass at parties. We always felt we weren't getting any better, but occasionally we'd have sparks of brilliance that just couldn't be overlooked. Recently, we've accepted the fact that we're amazing at the game now. Like any "athlete" we have our good days and bad days, but generally we're pretty consistent.

The highlight of my beer pong career came last week. My team had one cup left in front of us and the other team still had three cups. This, of course, meant that we were losing and in pretty bad shape. It didn't take them long to succeed in making our remaining cup, forcing us to rebuttal. I always go last in rebuttal because I work better under the pressue of win or go home. Well anyway, my teammate missed his shot, so I needed to make three in a row. I collected myself, felt the shot, and sunk the first cup. You know where this story is going, I made the next two cups and forced the game to continue. It was amazing. Three in a row. Go me. We ended up winning that game.

Anyway...this is not the point of this blog entry. So, onto the show....

* * *

Being a good beer pong player is just like being good at any other sport or game. There’s never any one right way to do it. Perfecting your game is a personal matter, as only you understand your own skills. Your depth perception may not be as finely tuned as your hand-eye coordination. Perhaps you’re better at bouncing than you are at arcing. And maybe your personal skill lies in your ability to drink your friends under the table while maintaining the kind of stamina that is needed for a winner. The best way to learn any game is to practice and nowhere is that more true than beer pong. In other sports and games you can observe the techniques of your opponent and style your game accordingly. This isn’t a game you play against an opponent; this is a game you play against yourself. Understanding how great your opponent’s shot is won’t win you this game because there is nothing you can do to stop them. The only way you can get better is to constantly be improving yourself. Remember when you were a kid and you ran an obstacle course around the house? Every time you ran that course, you’d attempt to beat your own time in an effort to make yourself better. That is beer pong.

Let’s start off with some basic rules. I assume that if you’re reading this or even if you go to college, you understand how beer pong is played. I’m not going to go into great detail in the rules, because many people play the game differently. There are, however, some things that remain constant.

Beer pong is a game played with two or four players. If there are two players, then there is one person on each side. Likewise, when there are four players, there are two people on each side. The number of cups used per team can vary between households, however the average number is TEN. These ten cups form a pyramid in front of the team: four cups in the back row, three in the next, two in the next, and finally one at the top. When my friends and I play one-on-one games, we use a pyramid of six cups rather than ten.

Who shoots first is determined by the house rules. There are many ways of doing this. Some people allow any team with ladies to shoot first, or whichever team has the oldest player. Another common start rule is that the owners of the house always get first shot. Whichever way you determine first shot is only important to the first game as all subsequent games start with the winners of the previous match starting the volley.

The rest of the game is fairly self explainable. Teams go back and forth, shooting the ping-pong balls at the opposing team’s cups. When a ball lands in a cup that cup is then removed and drank. Whichever team is the first to lose all the cups in front of them loses. There are various other shooting rules that come into effect during the course of the game, but I’m not going to get into them just yet.

PART 1: THE SHOT

There are many different ways in which to shoot the ball, many different grips, stances, spins, and follow-throughs. I recommend trying out everything I have to teach and finding out which one works best for you.

When I first started playing beer pong, I sucked. I didn’t have a problem getting the ball to the cups, but if one went in it was mostly luck. You may think that the goal is fairly simple, just aim the ball at the cluster of cups and hope for the best. That can work some of the time, but you have to realize that you’re not really doing anything when you do that, except praying it goes in. Playing with that style may win you the game, it may not. If you’re playing against a team that knows what they’re doing, you’ll probably lose every time.

I find that the most important aspect of a shot is the follow-through. While this may make your shot somewhat straighter, it’s not going to sink the ball for you. The best aspect of the follow-through is that it allows you to feel the ball and its direction. When you get good enough you’ll know if a ball is going to miss the cup the second it leaves your hand. I attribute this foresight to my follow-through. It lets me lead the ball and feel its trajectory. The best aspect of the follow-through is that it can really help you improve yourself. Eventually you’ll find yourself follow-through naturally. When this happens you can really feel a change in your shot.

Another important aspect of the shot is the arc. You can follow-through and have your shot be as straight and accurate as you want, but if you can’t get the shot to soar perfectly above the cups, then you’re going to suck big time. The arc aspect of a shot can be pretty second nature as a newbie rarely ever smacks the front of the cups on a consistent basis, but there are different aspects to arc that you can try out. Many people base their entire shot off of a high arc, preferring the ball to come straight down on the cups rather than toward the cups in a perpendicular fashion. Clearly, this has its pitfalls, as a high arc usually means you have to sacrifice some sense of aim. I prefer to balance my shot between the two arc extremes. It will become easier to focus on arc once your aim becomes perfect second nature. When you arc the ball, you always want to make sure you’re aiming for a specific cup. Visualize the shot in your head and feel it in your hand. Don’t try too hard, as you’ll probably over arc it. Never confuse arc with power. If you’re practicing arcing a ball and it’s going further than your normal shot, then you need to watch the power you’re putting behind the ball.

There are different ways of aiming your shot beyond the follow-through. My friends and I used to have an expression, “Aim for the beer, not the cup.” I say we used to have this saying because it’s complete bullshit and doesn’t work. I bring this up only as an anecdote. If, however, you do come across a phrase like this in your beer pong career then you will now know to avoid it like the plague. The best way of aiming is actually to aim for the cup. I prefer to aim for the back lip of the cup. You’ll always see it, it’s the only inside white of the cup you can really see. I like to aim for that because it means I’ll probably put enough of an arc on the ball to reach that spot and because that spot is slightly inside the cup which means my ball will go inside the cup. The dangers of aiming for this spot is that you might not clear the front edge of the cup or that you’ll simply just shoot too far. The best way of aiming is just to take your time with your shot. If you’re too hasty, you’re likely to be way off. I said it earlier, and it may sound a little “Star Wars”, but you really just have to feel the shot before you take it. Get into a zone and make sure the ball leaves your hand the way you want it to. Sometimes it’s not a bad idea to have a friend, who is good at the game, sit off to the side and observe your shot. He’s not personally connected to the ball, like you are, and always has a unique perspective on the game. When I do this with my friends, I can tell them if I think they should aim a little to the left, a little to the right, a little further, or if they should attempt to take the same exact shot despite the fact that they missed. This generally has a positive effect and can end up helping both of you.

Finally, something else you can practice with is your grip and various types of spin. These are not as important as everything else and can vary greatly. I personally grip the ball with two fingers and my thumb, whereas a friend of mine grips with three fingers and his thumb. Varying how this is done can increase and decrease level of control, power, and can even change your aim. Changing the spin you put on a ball has much the same consequences. Generally it makes a shot more powerful, but it also changes the way if bounces off the cups (for better or worse). Try all types of spin and observe the effect it has on your shot. Sometimes when I’m in a rut, I find that putting a bit of sidespin on the ball has a positive effect. A lot of people shoot with a backspin on the ball, in true basketball style. These practices are highly subjective, so you should find what works best for you in different situations.

PART 2: BOUNCING AND SWATING

Bouncing falls into the realm of specific house rules, but still has to be addressed. Most places where I’ve played beer pong have bouncing rules. The general consensus is that if a ball is bounced, the other team can swat it. The advantage to bouncing, however, is that if you make it in, the other team has to drink two cups rather than one. This, of course, means that bouncing is only a viable option when the other team’s attention is focused elsewhere. I would say, on average, it’s only possible to get one bounce in per game. After you do it the first time, whether you make it in or not, the other team will be paying a lot more attention when you take your shot. Therefore, if you want to do it right, you have to do it right the first time. Of course, if the other team is drunk enough (or ADD enough) it will be possible to bounce the ball multiple times without consequence. In that case, you’ll probably win no matter what.

Some people are naturally better at bouncing than others, but there’s no reason you should ever miss a bounce or even the opportunity to do so. Noticing the right time to bounce requires you to focus beyond the game. This is the one time that knowing your opponents will come in handy during beer pong. Don’t always wait for the other team to be completely looking the wrong way. If they’re only half paying attention, then they probably won’t realize you bounced it in time anyhow. There are many ways to time a good bounce. Find out what hand your opponent’s dominant hand is. This is pretty easy as it’s probably the one they’re drinking their beer with. When that hand is occupied and their teammate is similarly distracted, try for the bounce. Either they’ll fumble what they’re holding or they’ll try to swat with their off-hand and completely fuck it up (maybe even knock over some cups that are still in play).

Good teams, however, won’t just excel when it comes to swatting, they’ll trick the other team into bouncing. This is a tactic I use against people who love to bounce, like one of my friends/teammate. If you notice that your teammate isn’t paying any attention, pretend to do the same thing. Don’t look at the cups, don’t look at the other team, and don’t even look at the table. Make sure, however, that the game stays in your peripheral vision. If done right, the other team will attempt a bounce, feeling that you’re not paying attention. At that moment, you’ll snap to attention (because you’ve been watching all along) and swat that thing back to the seventh ring of Hell. The same thing works in one-on-one games. Recently my girlfriend said something jokingly mean to me and I decided to use it to my advantage. I just stared at her like I was pissed off. Even though she looked away or said something else, I just kept staring. At first, my opponent was interested in the “fight” between us, but then he realized his “opportunity” and went for the bounce. Since I had been waiting for it all along, I had no trouble swatting it away. Doesn’t make a huge difference in the long run, but that’s one less shot I had to worry about. I’m pretty sure I ended up losing that game too. Oh well.

Bouncing is so attractive, not just because it can eliminate two cups, but because it actually is easier. If you practice on your own, you’ll find that you make a lot more cups when you bounce every ball than when you shoot every one. It takes a lot less skill to bounce…under the optimum conditions, that is. Usually, if you’re in the midst of a game and you recognize the opportunity to bounce, you only have a few seconds in which you can do it. Generally, this time falls between when your opponents are drinking and when you’re cleaning off the balls. As a general rule of courtesy, never bounce a ball before it has been cleaned off. You might find the right opening, but it’s just gross.

There are various ways of bouncing, but I find the best way to do it is to make the bounce as close to their cups as possible. This makes the bounce less noticeable at first and actually makes it much more difficult to swat. Since the ball is so close to the cups, it increases the chance that they’ll hit a cup rather than the ball if they try to swat it. This method of bouncing takes a lot of practice since any ball bounced that close to the target will more than likely fly over it or fall too low. Another great way of bouncing (probably the only other good way of doing it) is to go fast and low. This is just as hard as the first way because actively attempting to go fast and low at the same time generally leads you to just shoot a grounder into the front of the cup. The advantage is, of course, that it’s much harder to notice in time and rather difficult to swing your hand at.

The major problem that most people encounter when attempting a bounce is that they just don’t have enough time to think about it. Like I said before, you only have a short window in which your bounce will be unnoticeable, and so most people just try to get it off as quickly as possible, no matter what that means. Practicing bounces will really make you better at them in a pressure situation. The ultimate goal is to the get to the point where, like many skills, it becomes second nature. When this happens you’ll be able to bounce it perfect no matter how little time you have. So find out which bounce works best for you and perfect it. Such a skill won’t come in handy for every game, but when it does, it will be worth it. There’s nothing worse than missing a perfect bounce opportunity.

On the other side of the table is the ability to swat. It’s pretty straightforward and takes nothing more than good hand-eye coordination. As long as you’re paying attention, there’s no reason you shouldn’t be able to swat any type of ball bounced your way. Just be careful of how you’re swatting the ball, as you don’t want to make the embarrassing mistake of knocking over some of your cups. Alcohol does many things to the body. It can fuck up your game enough without having it draw your attention elsewhere too. Take beer pong serious and you’ll be successful.

PART 3: TACTICS

Tactics are a simple aspect of beer pong and not something that will take too long to inform you of. The longer you play beer pong, the more your friends and you will develop your own tactics together. I would say that no two people play the same way and some people are far more creative than others. However, there are some basic tactics with many different variations, many of which I’ll never see. Work with your friends and teammates to create new and interesting tactics with which to beat people down.

There is one tactic that a friend of mine used to use all the time when we were first starting out at beer pong. Nowadays, he can’t use it as much because everybody expects him to do it. Nonetheless, it was quite effective back when it was fresh and new. Every so often, at a party, we’ll come across people at the beer pong table that we’ve never met before, and can, therefore, break out this tactic again. Sometimes it works, often it does not, but it’s worth a shot (pun very much intended). Basically, what he used to do was have me shoot first and then bounce his ball the same time I shoot my ball. This has a double effect. Either they won’t be expecting it and won’t be able to react in time or they’ll go for the swat and interfere with the thrown ball resulting in the loss of a cup. In an ideal situation, the opposing player would both interfere with the thrown ball and miss the swat on the bounced ball…maybe even knocking over some cups along the way.

Another tactic that is actually pretty elementary stuff is just to work well with your partner. If he makes a cup, try to aim for the same cup. It doesn’t work all the time, but when it does, it’s both a great way to get rid of cups and a moral booster. This tactic is highly variable to house rules. It’s important to do this in games and my house because if both balls land in the same cup it equals three cups removed and a ball return. Once I was actually in a one-on-one game where I was up five cups to one and my opponent hit both his shots in one cup, got the balls back, and hit the last two cups separately. I didn’t make my rebuttal and lost in a brutal fashion.

There are other shot tactics that you should figure out with your friends. Some are simple and some are trickier. For the most part, the game is fairly linear without too much room for highly creative maneuvers.

Finally, it would be hard to talk about tactics without talking about distractions. I’ve never been to a party where distractions are illegal. Basically you should be able to do whatever you want in front of or behind your cups while your opponent is taking his shot. As long as you don’t actually interfere with the ball or the cup, it’s generally allowed. Distractions come in many forms. I have one friend who loves to just swing his hand in front of the cups or partially obscure them from view. Girls love to take a more sexual approach when they’re playing against male opponents. Trash talking, mocking, mama jokes, and weird noises would also fall under the category of distractions. When at all possible, I like to make my opponents laugh right before the ball is about to leave their hand. I have a teammate who loves to make fun of himself and the way he distracts people. He even once showed his penis to my future girlfriend for twenty dollars. I’m sure that distracted quite a few people in the vicinity.

If you’re ever faced with somebody using their hands as a distraction, visualize the point on their hands you’d have to hit to get the ball in the cup. If your shot is off, remember what you have to do to fix it next time they do a similar distraction. I generally find, that when an opponent is trying to distract my aim with his hands or other body parts in front of and around the cup, I shoot too far. I’m not sure if that would be true of everybody, but keep that in mind. Just remember that a shot taken with a distraction has to be approached in a different manner than a shot done distraction free.

Good luck. Drink responsibly.

It's My Line

2006-08-28T16:15:00.000-04:00

I've been putting off writing this update because I think it's just going to be so damn long. My only real motivation to actually put the time into writing this is so that the newest post in this blog isn't one that links to a video of six half-naked Japanese guys. In the same vein as that post though, I'm going to show you many many videos. These videos will also make you laugh, but the good news is that they will never creep you out...I hope.

In your continuing journey to learn more about me I've decided to share another tidbit. One of my favorite television shows is probably one of the (if not THE) funniest television shows ever. It involves 4 guys, and a rotating group of many others. These guys go by the name Drew Carey, Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie, and Wayne Brady. Some of the others that are great on the show are Chip Esten, Brad Sherwood, Greg Proops, Kathy Greenwood, Jeff Davis, and a few others. If you're television savvy at all, you'll know that the show in question is "Whose Line Is It Anyway?".

If you've never seen this show before, you've been missing out. Unfortunately, for the entire world, the show ended about 2 years ago due to poor ratings. This, however, was not the show's fault, but the network's (ABC). Originally the show aired on Thursdays at eight o'clock, a horrible time slot since it was against Friends on NBC. Still, the show crawled on and survived until it was moved to another time. Unfortunately, for the show, their time slot changed again and again and again. Anybody who liked the show had a hard time keeping up with the changing schedule and, hence, barely ever knew when it was on. The show finally settled on a Friday time slot, but it was too little, too late, and the show went under. Last year, ABC Family started running new episodes made of footage from the show's tapings that had never been seen before.

I'm not suggesting that you start watching the show regularly (which you can, every weekday on ABC Family at 10pm and 10:30pm), but I highly suggest that you watch a few clips from the show that I have compiled here. These clips are the best of the best that I could find. I'm sure there are amazingly funny bits of the show that I couldn't find, but I'm sure that you'll be pleased with what I did manage to get my hands on.

For your convienence, I've sorted the clips by the title of the various game they're playing. You're welcome.

MOVING PEOPLE
~ Lone Ranger and Tonto
~ With Richard Simmons

THREE-HEADED BROADWAY STAR
~ Lumberjacks In Love: Timber
~ Memorobilia: I Love Your Legwarmers

NARRATE
~ The Maltese Burger
~ The Cassabas of Melnar

PARTY QUIRKS
~ Colin's "Touching" Performance
~ Ryan's Best Moment

SCENE TO RAP
~ With Stephen Colbert

NEWSFLASH
~ Colin Behind Colin

SUPERHEROES
~ Captain Hair

WEIRD NEWSCASTERS
~ Jeff Davis' Christopher Walken Impression

SCENES FROM A HAT
~ Including "Unusual Times To Kiss People"

LET'S MAKE A DATE
~ Colin's Big Scene

SOUND EFFECTS
~ Amusement Park
~ Tarzan and Jane
~ Jurassic Park
~ Cops

HOLLYWOOD DIRECTOR
~ "Get The Fuck Off!"
~ With ROBIN WILLIAMS

SONG STYLES
~ The Village People (with backup)

IMMPROBABLE MISSION
~ Cleaning the Burnoose

QUICK CHANGE
~ Colin is Pregnant
~ Western Riverdance

DEAD BODIES
~ Charlie's Angels (and Colin's oopsie)

And finally, I want you to watch a clip from a short-run show called, "Drew Carey's Green Screen Show," which is very similar to Whose Line. The game they play in this clip is called "Freeze Tag" and is exclusive to the Green Screen Show. You'll catch on pretty quick and this clip is quite funny. Enjoy.

FREEZE TAG
~ Yoga Hurts

I'd like to thank YouTube.com for hosting all these videos and I want to thank the people who actually recorded and uploaded these videos. Now that that crap is out of the way, I hope you enjoyed watching them, however I know that many of you are probably reading this after only watching a few of the videos (yeah, I'm talking to YOU). If that's the case, then you suck. Plain and simple, you suck. It's not opinion, it's fact, you suck.

You suck.

Stop reading and go watch the videos again.

Warning -- Not For The Mature

2006-08-14T21:43:00.000-04:00

This video was popular quite a few years ago throughout much of the world (but mostly Japan and North America). My sister first showed it to me quite a few years ago. Like most people, when I first saw it, I thought it was a little weird and a little creepy. The song was catchy enough though. Still, I watched it again later and the more times I watched it the more ridiculous it became, and the more ridiculous it became, the more funny it was. Eventually, it got to the point where it became the funniest video ever. I love seeing the looks on people's faces the first time they watch it, it's priceless.

Anyway, the reason I'm bringing this back now is because I recently came across it again, but this time I watched one with subtitles. I also learned that the video was a satiracal comedy sketch about Japan's ailing government. Despite that fact that the video is fake, it still became massively popular, and for good reason. In fact, it became so popular that Jimmy Kimmel invited the six guys who did it onto his late night show. I watched that video too, and it was even more funny.

When you watch these videos I want you to watch the one without subtitlies first. The fact that you can't understand what is going on was part of the reason the video became so popular in America and why I found it so funny. After you've come to appreciate the original version, then go on and watch the one with subtitles. While watching the one with subtitles, remember that it's a satiracal sketch poking fun at Japan's government (like SNL often does here). The lyrics are funny, but they're even more funny when you somewhat understand the context they're being used in.

YATTA! (without subtitles) - By Happatai
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-feLDOpJfYg

If you watch the one with subtitles first, I'm warning you that you'll ruin it for yourself. If you've already seen Yatta and know what it is, then, by all means, watch the subtitled version.

YATTA! (with subtitles) - By Happatai
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9rWFZesV8s

Warning -- Not For The Immature

2006-08-12T23:33:00.000-04:00

I found this written on a website recently. It wasn't exactly the type of webiste you'd expect to find something like this. I didn't think the guy who ran the website had a mature or sincere bone in his body, but I guess you can never judge a book by its cover (or even its first few pages apparently). I don't know why it resonates with me so much, as I don't find myself in any sort of love with anybody. But have you ever thought back in the past, to somebody you thought you loved, only to realize maybe you didn't? Of course, you have...and at the same time you're wondering how you can even tell the difference. Well maybe that's what it is. Anyway, read this quote and maybe you can get an idea of what I'm rambling on about:

No one can tell you whether or not you're in love. I believe that when it
happens, you'll just know. It won't matter what other people tell you, or what
they think. But, truth be told, it's hard to define love, even when you feel
what you think is love. There is no set test. There are a lot of symptoms,
however. If you find yourself thinking about her all the time,
if you would prefer to be with her over anyone else, if you can imagine spending
the rest of your life with her, if you feel comfortable imagining being faithful
to her forever, than yes, you may well be in love. I would say, however, why
does it matter that you give what you're feeling a label? The feeling is the
same, no matter what you call it. You don't need to call it "love"...just enjoy
it, go with it, take it as far as it will go. Being in love is nebulous at best.
You can't always just pin it down, and say 'yep, this is it. I'm sure now'. Love
will grow, or it will die out. You can't really predict the future. So I would
say, stop worrying about what to call what you're feeling, and just do what
feels right, and things will work out as they're supposed to.

Will You Go See This Movie?

2006-08-09T05:32:00.000-04:00

I'm not in such a lighthearted mood as I usually am when I write these things. I generally try to keep it fun and less than serious. Right now, however, I'm feeling everything the opposite of light hearted and fun. I'm feeling a little angry, a little annoyed, and deeply upset.

It's impossible to ignore that today the movie World Trade Center comes out. I took a poll on MSN.com that asked "Will You Go See This Movie?". 15% of people will wait to see it on DVD, 42% of people said they will see it, and 43% of people said they will not. Hollywood has given itself a pretty bad repuation over the years, and no doubt that factors in to the winning 43% of people who don't want to see this movie. I'm sure the fact that Oliver Stone, a 9/11 conspiracy buff and notorious cliche Hollywood director, does not help the movie either. Yet, Oliver Stone didn't become popular for being biased and sub-par in his movie making. People are afraid that Hollywood is going to destroy something that should be honored and remembered. Many people are afraid that's it's too soon. It has, however, been 5 years now. 5 years is not too soon. We are at the point now where we've moved on. Sure, we lament the loss of so many lives, but we've learned to deal with it, as all people eventually do. There will never come a time in any of our lives when we'll be able to think about that horrible Tuesday without choking up, getting goosebumps, or staring depressingly into space. So, if people are trying to avoid that, they're fighting a losing battle. Ignorning the truth of that day doesn't make it easier to understand or easier to bear. I haven't seen the movie yet, but I plan to, as soon as possible. Just watching the preview I get choked up, get goosebumps, and stare into space. This is why i'm feeling deeply upset.

As I do with most movies when I'm thinking about them and I'm online at the same time, I typed over to IMDb.com to check out its page. As I am wont to do once I reach these pages, I scrolled down to the forum posts made by the idiots of the world. The first one I clicked on started as a nice discussion but quickly moved into the realm of conspiracy and "I hate President George Bush" liberals. The feelings of people ranged between abosulte conspiracy nut, open-minded man on a soap box, anti-conspiracy realist, and "all you mother fuckers should just shut up now" psycho. I found it amazing how some people could take the smallest bit of anything and turn it into evidence of a conspiracy. I checked out some sites people provided because I like to have all the information I can, and mostly I found that the people who support these theories WANT there to be a conspiracy as if that would be better than what we all know as the truth. One guy uses history as a metaphor, referring to the Boston Tea Party that took place before the Revolution. He said that these people dressed up as Indians when they threw the tea into the harbor. He said clearly the Bristish never believed that Indians actually did this because they would've used some disguise and they wouldn't benefit from the tea's destruction at all. He goes on to say that since it was clearly middle eastern terrorists who caused 9/11 that it couldn't have been them at all and that if we want to figure out who really did it, we should research who benefited the most from this atrocity. Later another person agrees with him saying, "Yes, whoever benefited the most is the person behind 9/11." This is a ridiculous way to think about these attacks and I hope nobody else ever does. For one, the Muslim extremists who did this were not looking to benefit. These people feel they are fighting a war agianst the enemies of their god. They hate us and are trying to kill us. Our death is their greatest joy. In that sense, they benefited more than anybody. Two, I would hardly call the 9/11 attacks succesful. I once heard that there were many more plans that were supposed to have been hijacked and thrown at American institutions, but things did not go off as planned. All planes were forced to land and pilots were taking extra measures to assure safety. So saying whoever benefited the most is the person behind it is foolhardy since whoever was behind it didn't get the result he expected and therefore would not have benefited as he wanted to. More so than any of this though are the people who say that because the White House lied, hid evidence, and covered things up, that they are clearly hiding something or, at best, are fueling the conspiracy themselves no matter how untrue it may be. I'm sorry, but these people are fooling themselves if they think it's our government's responsibilty to be open and honest with us about everything. Thank God that the competent people who run this country keep secrets and hide things. Just because the goverenment lies to you or doesn't tell you something, doesn't mean there's something sinister going on. A government can not run on open honesty. It is not the responsibility of the government to hold your hand and walk you through all their ideas and decisions. There are some things that are best left secret, there are some things that are better for the public not to know. This is why I'm annoyed.

The worst people on these forums though are those that think the lies of President Bush are a greater atrocity than 9/11 was. The people who have no honor and respect for those who lost their lives in 9/11 because, "people die every day." The people from other countries who think America brough this on themselves. This is why I'm angry.

Future Studies

2006-05-18T23:16:00.000-04:00

I'm not going to lie to you. Our relationship as blogger and reader is too pure to taint with anything as devious as a lie. Besides, the truth is such a lovely and refreshing thing. And so, here it is...I truly love the Harry Potter series. When I was young and in middle school I loved it for the magical-ness about it. Now that I'm older that's all nice and good, but I'm starting to love it more for the amazing way that J.K. Rowling writes the books. I love the way everything is so perfectly crafted and even the smallest things can turn into huge plot twists.

Anyway...I want to delve into my own predictions for the future (and final) Harry Potter book. First though I want to recap my hockey and basketball playoff report.

The Red Wings lost in the first round as I'm sure you all know by now. It was a horrible and depressing blow. I couldn't believe it had happened. I took some comfort in the fact that all of the top four teams from the regular season lost in the first round. Then again, none of those teams have had such awful playoffs runs in the last few years after winning Lord Stanley's cup.

The Pistons played much better and showed they had the best record in the league for a reason. They beat their first round opponents and moved on to the second round where they currently still battle. Their battle is a losing one so far though. After winning their first two games rather handidly, they lost their next three in rather close battles. It's a little depressing as well, but they're not down and out and I still carry much hope.

Also, regarding the NBA, my predictions for first round winners was amazing!! All of my predicted teams (except the LA Lakers) won their first round match ups and moved to the second round. When it comes to the Lakers, they have a 3-1 series lead and unfathomably blew it and lost 4-3. My NHL picks did not go nearly as well, I think I only picked correctly in maybe one or two match-ups.

So, let us wish the Pistons luck in games 6 and 7, and let us move on to Harry Potter.

---------------------

First let me say that not all of these ideas were originally thought up by me. In my bored periods I've sifted through many different theories, many completely ridiculous (Luna Lovegood is Snape's daughter?!), but there were many others with great evidence and which made a lot of sense.

Even after reading the 6th book I thought that Serverus Snape was still good. Dumbledore clearly had some reason to trust him that is unclear to us even now, despite whatever Harry told everybody at the end of the book. Yes, Snape's murder of Dumbledore is rather incriminating, but it doesn't mean he's evil, there's a million reasons why he HAD to kill Dumbledore. I no longer think that Snape is good and was always on the side of the Order of the Phoenix. Don't take this to mean that I think Snape is evil and has always been on the side of You-Know-Who, because I don't think that either. As Lupin once said in the 5th book, the world is not split into good people and death eaters. I think Snape is a very confused man. I saw a very good psychological profile of him that I believe to be correct. There is evidence to the idea that Snape's father, his MUGGLE father, was abusive. This leads heavily to Snape hating muggles and his lonely and angry persona even as a child. I believe this lead to Snape looking for a proper father figure in his life. The first person to become this father figure for him was You-Know-Who and even as he entered into Dumbledore's employ, he was loyal to him. Yet after You-Know-Who's downfall, Snape would be looking around for somebody else to fill that roll. And that somebody else would become Dumbledore. I think that Snape came to see that You-Know-Who never loved him and he felt more affection for Dumbledore than he ever felt for You-Know-Who.

There is another aspect about Snape I want to mention though. I'm starting to believe that he was also in love with Lily Evans, who became Lily Potter after her marriage to James Potter. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I think it's true. I think Snape fought with himself over this because for one, she was muggle born, and two, she was in Gryffindor. I think Snape hated himself and feared himself because of these feelings for her. Which might also explain why Harry sees Snape in Snape's own foe-glass. A foe-glass is not a mirror afterall.

The two paragraphs above well explain why Snape hates Harry so much. In regards to the first paragraph, he hates Harry because he's jealous of him. It's clear that Dumbledore very much loves Harry. Snape hates that Harry is taking his father figure. This explains why Snape's hatred for Harry increases over time. Yet, he originally hates Harry because he hates James Potter, the man who married his Lily Evans.

Snape will save Harry's life (probably at the cost of his own) because he loves Lily. Love is very powerful.

~~~

Okay. So now lets address these ideas that Dumbledore is still alive. I really don't think he is as much as people want him to be. Do I think it's possible? Very much so. But I think it's just too optimistic to believe.

Some people say that Dumbledore has a horcrux. I think it's an interesting idea. I'm sure Dumbledore has killed an evil wizard or two in his time (thus ripping his soul). Some people believe he then created a horcrux out of convience. Yet, the creation of a horcrux is powerful DARK magic and somebody as pure as Dumbledore would not practice such things.

~~~

Moving on. I think Tonks is a spy. I have no real evidence to support this claim, but I think she is a death eater or a ministy spy. There's no better person to be a spy than one that can change their appearance at will. I think her love for Lupin is real though.

~~~

Hagrid will die. This seems almost natural to happen. It will probably happen quite early in the book too. As for any of the Weasley's dying, I don't see it happening. They seem to have the aversion to death no matter what mortal peril they find themselves in. Lupin will not die, at least not before killing Fenrir Greyback which he obviously will do. I also don't think that Harry will die. I thought for a long time that surely he would die at the end of the book. It almost seems that he has to. But his relationship with Ginny changed all of that. He now has too much to live for.

~~~

The final battle with You-Know-Who will be an interesting one. So many people near You-Know-Who are going to turn and help Harry in the end. Snape stands by his side now, but I think he will give his life to save Harry. Wormtail will help Harry out in someway and You-Know-Who will murder him for it. And finally, Draco Malfoy will help Harry. Draco is not evil, he's a good person....deep down. I don't think Draco will die, but I can't say as much for his mother and father.

~~~

I have no idea on the remaining Horcruxes, they could really be anything. I think R.A.B. is either Regalus Black or is more than one person. If it is in fact Sirius's brother, then the necklace that nobody could open inside the Black household in book 5 is probably the necklace Harry is after. I hope he kills Nagini with Gryffidor's sword. Oh...that reminds me, I think Dumbledore was Gryffindor's heir. Speaking of heirs, remember Zacharias Smith? I'm pretty sure he's related to Hepizabah (sp?) Smith from book 6. I think he's the heir of Hufflepuff. I know Smith is a pretty common name, but I don't think it's mere coincidence. As for the heir of Ravenclaw, who knows, maybe it's Luna Lovegood.

~~~

I have more ideas and such but I'm just too tired to continue on with such speculation. Besides, I could speculate on a million things, be correct in every case and still run into a million surprises in the new book....whenever it comes out (some people think it will be on July 7, 2007...07/07/07...which makes a lot of sense to me).

Stop reading (I know I did many paragraphs ago)....

- Rian

Crystal Gazing and Tea Leaves

2006-04-26T11:41:00.000-04:00

Yea, you should have all seen this coming. There's no way that I would've had the commitment to be able to sit down and do this every day. I really do care about the playoffs in both leagues...but since I don't know if anybody else does, I have no motivation to do it everyday.

For today I'll just tell you a few games that I liked the most. I don't know the specific scores though.

The Nets won, which means my pick is headed in the right direction now.

The Cavs lost, which is both surprising and bad, since they are my pick.

And perhaps MOST DEPRESSINGLY...the Red Wings lost in double overtime to drop them 2-1 in the series. It'll be ridiculous if we lose to the Edmonton Oilers...seriously...

And the Pistons play tonight!! GO PISTONS!!

I think I'm going to make a return to the funny/random entries in just a bit. I need to do one to clear my head of all this useless information and humor.

I'm re-reading the entire Harry Potter series...just FYI.

NBA Day 3, NHL Day 4

2006-04-25T04:29:00.000-04:00

It's HOT HOT HOT!!!

Like always, let's start with the NBA!!

My second favorite team, The LA Clippers, played tonight and I watched the entire game. So let's start at the Staples Center in Los Angeles.

LA CLIPPERS vs DENVER NUGGETS

All that mountain air must have damaged the Nuggets' heads because they just can't take it in LA. The first game was fun, nail biting, and close as hell. The second game was fun but hardly nail biting and definitely not close. The Clippers took control right from the start and they never let go. Carmello played horribly. He missed his first 12 shots and had to sit down early in the game because of two quick penalties. He played far better in the second half, but not nearly well enough. He wasn't the only Nugget missing shots though, the entire Denver team played horrible, due in large part to some great Clipper defense.

LA CLIPPERS WIN 98-87 (LAC LEAD THE SERIES 2-0)

MIAMI HEAT vs CHICAGO BULLS

This game was oddly reminicent of game one between these two teams. Miami took control from the start, Chicago partly stayed with them. Near the end, Chicago made a great run and closed in on Miami, but couldn't complete the job. The thing that pissed me off in this game was at the end, there were 40 seconds to go, Chicago has dropped to 8 points behind, yet they were still fouling and taking time outs like they thought they could win. At that point you just have to give it up and move on to the next game.

MIAMI WINS 115-108 (MIA LEADS THE SERIES 2-0)

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, Over to the NHL we go!

DALLAS STARS vs COLORADO AVALANCHE

So this game started out pretty shitty for me, seeing as I picked the Stars to win it all. The Avs had a 3 point lead going into the 2nd period. The Stars, however, weren't going to take that crap lying down though. They scored FOUR goals in the 2nd period and kept that one point lead going into the 3rd. The Avs, however, scored one to send it into overtime. Then, in overtime, the game ended as shitty as it started when Joe Sakic (damn you Sakic!!) scored to put that Avs up 2-0 in the series. It's hard for any team to come back from a 2-0 defecit, so it's not looking so great for my pick.

COLORADO AVALANCE WIN 5-4 (COL LEADS THE SERIES 2-0)

NEW JERSEY DEVILS vs NEW YORK RANGERS

In brighter news, my pick in this matchup, the Devils, beat out the Rangers yet again. I'm not sure if picking the Devils to win was a no brainer, or if I'm just a genius. John Madden scored a hat trick (2 on a power play), to help the Devils win. There's not much to say here, The Rangers are the Devil's bitch, they have no chance.

NEW JERSEY DEVILS WIN 4-1 (NJD LEAD THE SERIES 2-0)

PHILADELPHIA FLYERS vs BUFFALO SABRES

I think I may have made a very bad error here when I picked the Flyers to win this series. I'm not ready to throw in the towel just because the Sabres have already won twice, but they really just slapped the Flyers around today. The Flyers may just have well have left their goalie on the bench. How emabarrasing.

BUFFALO SABRES WIN 8-2 (BUF LEADS THE SERIES 2-0)

MOTREAL CANADIENS vs CAROLINA HURRICANES

When I picked Carolina to win this series, I never gave a second thought to the idea that Montreal could actually be competition for them. It's ridiculous to think that a team as great as Carolina has lost again to the Canadiens. I'm sure Montreal is a fine team, but Carolina is usually such a powerhouse. It was a close game (it went into double overtime), but, as the saying goes, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

MONTREAL CANADIENS WIN 6-5 2OT (MTL LEADS THE SERIES 2-0)

Okay, so today every team that played took their series up 2-0. Let's take a look at my record for today though:

NBA: 2-0
NHL: 1-3

Clearly I'm better at picking the NBA bracket than I am at the NHL bracket. Oh well, these are best of 7 series, they're far from over.

NBA Day 2, NHL Day 3

2006-04-24T03:36:00.000-04:00

I just want to do a quick update here because I'm tired and want to finish watching my movie (Kill Bill vol 2...which I've seen before...but, you know...)

So let's start with the NBA

My PISTONS did a great job in Game 1. There were some tense moments when it seemed the Pistons were slipping, but in true championship style, they fought like hell and kicked some serious ass. The Bucks aren't down and out though, I look forward to a great season.

DETROIT PISTONS WIN 92-74

After the Pistons game I proceeded to watch the Dallas/Memphis game. Dallas played just how I knew they could and they knocked the Grizzlies down a game. They snuck out a great win and I have confidence in them to win the series and make me look good.

DALLAS MAVERICKS WIN 103-93

The surprising matchup of the day was the Indiana Pacers vs the New Jersey Nets. It seemed like the Nets were going to win it and yet another of my picks would come out on top. Yet, surprisingly, the Pacers pulled off the upset in game one...IN THE FINAL SECOND. It pissed me off a little, but I don't think the Pacers will be able to do that every game. The Nets are a far better team and are definitely going to win this series...you heard me, DEFINITELY.

INDIANA PACERS WIN 90-88

And finally, LA Lakers versus the Phoenix Suns. I predicted an LA Laker victory in this series because I think Kobe can play amazing enough to pretty much carry his whole team past the Suns. Plus, he's not the only good player on that team, so when they're on form they can really shine. This isn't to say that Nash and the Suns aren't a great team, I just thought they'd be surprised and eventually upset by the Lakers. I predicted a tough series though, nothing easy for either team. Well so far my pick isn't looking so good as they fall a game to the Suns. But it WAS a tough game...so anything could happen.

PHOENIX SUNS WIN 107-102

Quickly let's jump over to the third day of the NHL playoffs.

My boys, the Red Wings, were the only dissapointing Detroit team today. I mean, hell, even the Detroit Tigers won (but they've been doing that lately...oddly enough). I didn't actually get to see the game because it was NOT on TV here at my university. I was a little pissed off...actually really pissed up. I watched th updates online though. It was a close, slow, game. In the end though, the Oilers apparently just played a better game and game out on top. I'll never lose faith in my Wings though, and we all know that they're still the better team. The series is now tied at one game a piece.

EDMONTON OILERS WIN 4-2

Turning to game 2 of San Jose versus Nashville, I was upset to see the scores pop up online again. Nashville won game one and I was looking like a genius. Like the Red Wings though, Nashville couldn't extended their series lead to two games. The Sharks win in a shutout and tie the series.

SAN JOSE SHARKS WIN 3-0

Continuing on with our depressing day of hockey, we move to the Ottawa Senators versus the Tampa Bay Lightning. Now, I realize the Lightning are the reigning champs, but that was 2 years ago, before the lockout. I didn't think Tampa Bay had what took to hold their own with the Senators. Yet, my favorite to win the series, Ottawa, let Tampa Bay catch up with them and now the series is tied. Yet, I'm obviously going to stay with the Senators to win it all in the end.

TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING WIN 4-3

And finally, The Might Ducks of Anaheim versus the Calgary Flames. You would think the odds are that out of four games, at least ONE team would extended the series lead to 2-0 and, in the process, make me look good. All four teams that played today won their games two days ago and all four teams that won two days ago were my picks to win. Today, all of my picks to win, LOST...including the Calgary Flames. I may sound like a broken record today, but the Calgary Flames truly are a better team than the Ducks and nobody can argue with that...people from California may try, but the sun has fried their brains and they have no idea what they're talking about. After all, these are the people that actually like the LA Lakers.

ANAHEIM MIGHTY DUCKS WIN 4-3

So, in conclusion, my hockey picks all lost today and my basketball picks didn't fare too well either. To be more specific: I went 0-4 in the NHL and 2-2 in the NBA. I hope nobody read my blog yesterday, saw how well I picked all my teams, and decided to go out and bet a lot of money on them for today. If that's the case, sorry, you just lost a lot of money. Stick with me though because, in the long run, I'll make you rich.

GO RED WINGS!! GO PISTONS!!

And on a lesser note... go miami heat, go new jersey nets, go cleveland cavaliers, go san antonio spurs, go la lakers, go la clippers, go dallas mavericks...go dallas stars, go calgary flames, go nashville predators, go ottawa senators, go carolina hurricanes, go new jersey devils, go philadelphia flyers!!

NBA Day 1, NHL Day 2

2006-04-23T01:27:00.000-04:00

So for the next month or so this blog will be ALMOST entirely devoted to covering the playoffs in the NHL and the NBA.

If you read the post before this one (and I highly suggest it), then you'd be able to see all of my picks leading to the champions of both leagues. I may be a little biased, as I have the Detroit Red Wings winning in the NHL and the Detroit Pistons winning in the NBA...but then again, the Red Wings have proven they're the best team in the NHL and the same goes for the Pistons.

Anyway...last night, the Red Wings beat the Edmonton Oilers in game 1 of the series. It was a close game, going into double OT. I was at a party, so I really didn't catch much of that game or any game, but I did see the winning goal (despite being slightly intoxicated at the time). The Oilers put on a good show, but the Wings won in the end, so I'm still sticking with my prediction of the Red Wings winning in 6. If anything, the Wings will win in less than that because they actually win more on the road than they do at home. So if they take tomorrow's game too, then I think the Oilers just have no chance whatsoever.

Onto the first day of the NBA playoffs...TODAY. I saw about three and a half games today, wathcing ESPN almost all day. There were four games today:

San Antonio Spurs vs Sacramento Kings
My prediction for the series is that the Spurs will win in 4. I commented that there was nothing the Kings could do to stop them. Ron Artest highly disagreed with me, so much so that he predicted the Kings would win the first game and move on to the second round. Clearly he has no respect for the reigning champions. Only one of us could be correct though, and that person was me. Clearly, I know more about basketball than Ron Artest. Not only did the San Antonio Spurs win, they completely destroyed the Kings. It was embarrasing and slightly boring, which caused me to fall asleep near the end.
SAN ANTONIO SPURS WIN 122-88

Chicago Bulls vs Miami Heat
I woke up in the middle of the battle between these two teams. When I woke up, the Bulls were down by quite a bit, but as I started to watch, the Bulls started to battle back. If they had been playing like that since the beginning of the game I'm sure they would have been winning when I woke up. Shaq and Wade kept them at bay though and despite a great effort from the Bulls, they couldn't turn it into a win in the end. Despite losing, the Bulls showed everyone, me in particular, that they have the skill the wrestle with the Heat. I picked Miami to win in 5, saying the Bulls couldn't pull off this upset. I'm still sticking with my pick of Miami to win the series, but I wouldn't be all that dissapointed to see them lose in the end.
MIAMI HEAT 111-106

LA Clippers vs Denver Nuggets
After the Bulls game was over and Shaq gave his usual senseless, repetitive, drivel comments to the press, ESPN moved on to the Clippers and Nuggets. I picked the Clippers in this series for many reasons. I see a lot of similarities between the Clippers team and the Pistons, but mostly, the Nuggets are just too inconsistent and Carmello can't do everything. It seems I was right. For most of the game it seemed like the Clippers would have no problem. Going into the 4th quarter, however, the Clippers really lost it. Denver went on some amazing runs and LA went through some horrible droughts. The Clippers won in the end, but just barely.
LA CLIPPERS 89-87

Cleveland Cavaliers vs Washington Wizards
This is the one game of the day that I did not get to see. That's too bad too, as it sounds like it was an amazing game. I picked the Cavs in this series because I thought that King James had a lot to prove and had the talent to do it. He didn't let me down either. Not only did LeBron preform at an all-star level, he exploded out of the gate and finished with a triple double. He catapulted the Cavs over the Wizards. I think Washington is going to have a hard time containing him.
CLEVELAND CAVALIERS 97-86

So, at the end of the day, all of my picks won, making me look very good. Tomorrow my favorite team, the Detroit Pistons, start things off against the Milwaukee Bucks and The Detroit Red Wings look to take a 2-0 series advantage. I'll try to watch as many games in both leagues as I can, but I'm only one man.

I really enjoyed watcing the Clippers and Nuggets tonight and I look forward to watching the series progress. Close games are always more exciting than blow outs, so I don't think I'll find myself watching too much of the Spurs vs Kings matchup as I think the Spurs will take care of them rather quickly. Despite the fact I'm picking the Heat to win, I hate them, so I won't watch much of that series either. As for the Cavs and Wizards, I'm looking forward to seeing LeBron in action. He's the next Michael Jordan, he even has the number 23 jersey.

As for hockey, it's not going to be shown as much as the NBA playoffs. I won't miss a single Detroit game, but I can't promise I'll catch too many other games. There were some great games today, and some great surprises. In fact, all the respect I gained with my perfect NBA picks, I lost with my so-so NHL picks. Let's see...

Carolina Hurricanes vs Montreal Canadiens
I predicted that Carolina would have no problem whatsoever with this series. In fact, I predicted Carolina in 4 games. Not only did the Canes let me down, they made me look downright stupid. I can understand if they lost in a close game, but to get massacred like they did...well, it isn't good. I'm still predicting the Hurricanes will win, because they're a tough team and they'll come back with a vengance. Clearly they can't win in 4 games anymore, so I'm extending my prediction to 6 games.
MONTREAL CANADIENS 6-1

Colorado Avalance vs Dallas Stars
Again, my pick, the Dallas Stars, did not play up to the preformance that I expected. In fact, I was made to look like an idiot yet again. I know Colorado is a great team, but I KNOW that Dallas is a better team. It was sad to see them make so many mistakes and to see it destroy them in game 1. Well, there's more games to come, and I know they can do better.
COLORADO AVALANCE 5-2

Philadelphia Flyers vs Buffalo Sabres
I picked the Flyers to win this series, which is quite a risky choice, and I knew that going in. Despite their loss today, I still stand by their ability to win this series. It was a tough game that went into double overtime. The Flyers came out the victors in the end, but the Sabres aren't letting them walk away with this.
BUFFALO SABRES 3-2 2OT

New Jersey Devils vs New York Rangers
Here is one game matchup that did play up to my expectations. Not only did New Jersey win, like I knew they could, they destroyed the Rangers. I predicted Devils in 5, but I might change that to Devils in 4 if Jagr is so injured that he's done for the season. Yes, you heard me, the Rangers lost both the game and their best player. Jagr threw out his shoulder making a lunging play. You hate to see anybody get hurt, but it happens. This is horrible news for an already overmatched New York Rangers team.
NEW JERSEY DEVILS 6-1

So on day two of the NHL playoffs, I'm 1 for 3 on my picks. I did much better on day one of the NHL playoffs yesterday when all of my picks won their games. Here's a quick review of yesterday's games: Detroit beat the Oilers 3-2 in double overtime, I picked Detroit to win in 6. Calgary Flames beat the Mighty Ducks 2-1 in overtime, I picked Calgary to win it in 5. Ottawa Senators beat the Tampa Bay Lightning 4-1, I picked Ottawa to win in 5. And finally, Nashville beat the San Jose Sharks 4-3, I picked Nashville to win in 4. I'm highly looking forward to day 3 of the NHL playoffs.

So, overall in the NHL, my picks are looking good, as I've gone 5-3.
I'm looking better in the NBA, as I'm currently going strong at 4-0.

Join me tomorrow night for NHL day 3 recap and NBA day 2. I hope to bring you the good news of a Piston victory.

Stop reading.

- Rian

P.S. Barry Bonds finally has a homerun for the season, he's 6 away from passing Babe Ruth

PLAYOFFS!!

2006-04-20T09:34:00.000-04:00

Now if you've been reading along since I started last fall, then you'd know by now that I love poker, I love Christmas, elevators are uncomfortable, I Wiki-Surf (and I coined that phrase), I support the drinking habits of one Hermoine Granger (aka Emma Watson), I plan to become the King of England one day, I made up my own code to fool the CIA, I fought a vicious battle against the flu, and, most importantly, I'm the reason for Harry Potter's success. What you may not yet know is that I'm also a huge fan of both the NBA and the NHL.

I've always been a hockey fan. That's what happens when you grow up in Detroit in the mid-90s. I don't know many people who AREN'T hockey fans around here. I played hockey for a long time and I still enjoy it whenever I can. I'm proud to say I've never been a bandwagon Red Wings fan, and I've supported them for a long long time. As for basketball, well I kind of am a bandwagon fan, but I can tell you now, that even if the Pistons go on some God forbidden skid for the next decade, I'll still be supporting them.

This year, however, is a year of jubliation. The mighty Red Wings have gone against all the hushed whispers from so-called "analysts" and have shown their might this season. They're not just the league point leaders, they're so far ahead of everybody else that it's not fair. Everybody, the Wings included, should expect nothing less than victory this year. Our team is better than it has ever been. My favorite players are Brendan Shanahan and Henrik Zetterberg...just FYI.

As for the Pistons, they're a powerhouse this year as well. They also hold the best record in their league and have everybody else shaking in their boots. We got robbed last year of a repeat championship performance. This year, things will be different. San Antonio can't even touch us, no team can. Poor Shaq down in Miami, whining that they get no respect and that they'll see us in the conference finals. Well, if my picks are right, they won't get quite that far.

This brings us to the point in this post where I share for you my predictions for the playoffs of both the NBA and the NHL. Read on.

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First...the NBA EAST

First round: Detroit vs Milwauke
This is a joke, Detroit will win it in 6.

First round: Miami vs Bulls
I don't think the Bulls can pull off this upset, they're just too overmatched. Miami in 5.

First round: New Jersey vs Indiana
I'm surprised Indiana even made the playoffs. There's no way they can compete with the Nets. New Jersey in 5.

First round: Cleveland vs Washington
LeBron wants it bad, so bad that I don't think the Wizards won't be able to stop him. Cleveland will be pulling out all the stops. Cleveland in 7.

Second round: Detroit vs Cleveland
As much as LeBron wants it, the Pistons defense is just too good. If we can shut down Kobe, LeBron has no chance. I like the kid, but it's not going to happen this year. Detroit in 5.

Second round: New Jersey vs Miami
Shaq isn't exactly young anymore. New Jersey just has too much hustle in them and only Wade can keep up. Unfortunately, Wade won't be enough to keep Miami going. Nets in 7.

Conference Finals: Detroit vs New Jersey
New Jersey is a tough team and it will be a tough series. However, I think Detroit wants it more. If on form, Detroit will push New Jersey aside like a little kid. Detroit in 6.

Now...the NBA WEST

Round one: San Antonio vs Sacramento
Poor Sacramento, no amount of prepration or prayer will save them. Spurs in 4.

Round one: Phoenix Suns vs LA Lakers
As great as Steve Nash is and as far as he's taken this team, I think Kobe and Smush will really prove a challenge. In fact, Lakers in 6.

Round one: Denver Nuggets vs LA Clippers
I find the Nuggets to be far too inconsistent. Elton Brand will really rally his team past them on this one. I don't really consider this an upset. Clippers in 6.

Round one: Dallas vs Memphis
Despite the fact it's number four seed versus number five seed, I think the skill level between these two teams is a mile apart. Dallas in 5.

Round two: San Antonio vs Dallas
This is one I thought about for a long time. I think this will be a hard matchup for both teams. In the end though, I think Dallas will come out victorious. Dallas in 7.

Round two: LA Clippers vs LA Lakers
California is going to love this if I'm right. Still, this is a no brainer...Clippers...Lakers...I think we all agree, even if we don't like it. Lakers in 5.

Conference Finals: Dallas vs LA Lakers
Kobe is good, but I don't think he's this good. I think I'm being gracious to even predict the Lakers making it this far. They're outmatched, period. Dallas in 6.

AND NOW...NBA FINALS WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP

DETROIT PISTONS VS DALLAS MAVERICKS
Now honestly, do you really think Dallas can beat the Pistons? Now I know I'm biased, but Dallas has no chance. The only reason they got this far is because of the seeding in the West. Pistons in 4.

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And now...the NHL WEST

Round one: Detroit vs Edmonton
Seriously? The Oilers? Detroit in 6.

Round one: Dallas vs Colorado
Now I may hate the Avalance (like any good Wings fan) but that's not why I'm picking them to lose. The Stars are just too good this year. Dallas in 6.

Round one: Calgary vs Anaheim
Really? The Ducks made it without Kariya? Just kidding, they're a good team...just not good enough. Calgary in 5.

Round one: Nashville vs San Jose
No contest here. Nashville in 4.

Round two: Detroit vs Nashville
What a storied season these two teams have had against each other. It's not going to be easy. Detroit in 7.

Round two: Flames vs Dallas
Oh this is going to be good, I almost want to see this more than Wings versus Predators (almost). Dallas in 7.

Conference Finals: Detroit vs Dallas
Dallas is a great team. Detroit is better. Detroit in 6.

And now...the NHL EAST

Round one: Ottawa vs Tampa Bay
Not only will the Lightning fail to hold their title, they'll go down hard. Ottawa in 5.

Round one: Carolina vs Montreal
Oh sure, the Canadian teams are all good, but Carolina is always a force to be recokned with. Carolina in 4. Sorry chaps.

Round one: New Jersey vs NY Rangers
Jersey versus New York huh? That's interesting. In the end though, the Rangers will not be able to live up to the days of Messier. Devils in 5.

Round one: Buffalo vs Philadelphia
I love the Flyers, but they suck. Fortunately for them, the Sabres suck worse. Flyers in 7.

Round two: Ottawa vs Philadelphia
The Flyers have no chance against a team like the Senators. Ottawa in 4.

Round two: New Jersey vs Carolina
Again, the Hurricanes are just too good to be slowed up by the Devils. Carolina in 5.

Conference Finals: Ottawa vs Carolina
I can't wait to watch how this unfolds. Really I have no idea who will come out victorious in this one, they're both top quality teams. Since I have to pick though...Carolina in 6.

AND NOW...LORD STANLEY AWAITS THE NHL FINALS

DETROIT RED WINGS VS CAROLINA HURRICANES
A rematch!! I've been waiting for this for a long time. It's not going to happen this year Carolina. You just can't stop the powerhouse that is the Detroit Red Wings. Yzerman is going out with BANG! Red Wings in 6.

Poker

2006-04-09T04:13:00.000-04:00

So I was in a $20 buy-in poker tournament earlier today (Saturday). It started at 3:00 p.m. with 16 people and I walked out later at just after 7:00 p.m. after a great game.

I started out playing pretty tight, but I was getting some pretty bad cards too. Then I got pocket aces, which was nice obviously. I got a little bit of action from it and took down a medium sized pot. I took a few more small ones before my biggest pot yet.

I looked down at Kh 4s in the small blind. Things got around to me and I decided to see the cheap flop. The flop came down 4 10 A. I check, the under the gun player bets out 50 (twice the big blind). The other two players in the hand fold. I think about it a second and decide to reraise him to see where I stood in the hand. He was a fairly loose player, but a good one too. I doubled his bet, and he hesitantly called. The turn card was another ace...I check, he checks. The river card is a 7. I bet out 100. He takes a ridiculously long amount of time to make a decision. He calls and I'm just thinking "Well I lost." I turn over my 4, showing my two-pair, Aces and Fours. He yells out "FUCK" and mucks his hand away. Later he exclaims that he had pocket 3s and thought I was bluffing with nothing. I was bluffing of course, but apparently with the best hand. So I got a little lucky there, but I still think I played it perfect. Considering I was out of position and going against the chip leader at the table, I took some risks. But I also had that nice tight table image which I hoped would help me (even though it didn't really).

The next hand right after I was the dealer button and I look down at 4 5 of spades. I decide to make the call and there's 5 people in the hand. The flop comes down 5 5 A. A bunch of checks come around to the guy on my right and he bets out the big blind. I make the call. The next card is like a 6 or something. He checks, I check. The next card is an 8 or some other pointless card. He bets out twice the big blind. I reraise him about twice that. He thinks about it for a short amount of time and makes the call. He has two-pair Aces and Fives, which, of course, loses to my set of 5s. A nice follow up hand to my big win.

The next good hand, even though it wasn't a big win, was humorous. I was in the small blind and everyone folded around to me. I looked down at 2 4 off suit. I decided to double p the big blind which was up to 50 by then (so a raise to 100). He thinks about it (like he does with every decision hand). He throws it down, exclaiming, "As much as I'd like to defend my big blind..." and then he throws up his 2 4 off suit. Normally I wouldn't show any hand, let alone a bluff, but I knew the psychological blow it would do to him would be better. So I flipped up my 2 4 off suit. Everyone had a good laugh about it.

I don't make any more huge moves after this, taking down some blinds here and there with both bad hands and good ones. I'm not doing anything too rash and we get down to the final 8 people and consolidate into one table.

Here's where I probably made a few mistakes. I think I should've tightened back up like I did in the beginning of the game. As it was I played a little loose. I was 2nd in chips going in to the final table and hope to use my chip lead to my advantage. It didn't work out so well and I soon found myself as the short stack as the blinds continued to increase every 20 minutes. Eventually I was down to just 125 in chips with the big blind staring me in the face. I was getting some really shitty cards, so I put all my hopes in the big blind hand. By this time we had already lost one guy and so were down to seven people. I threw in my big blind, leaving me with only 25 in chips. Clearly I was going to be all in no matter what my cards, but you never want to act out of turn. A few folds go through and another short stack goes all in. Eventually it's just down to me and I'm all in, of course.

So, my all in, tournament life on the life. My Q of hearts and 4 of hearts vs his J of spades and 10 of clubs. The flop doesn't pair anybody, but it does give me two hearts. The turn isn't helpful to anybody. He needs to improve his hand to win, I don't. The river is a heart and I double up off a queen high flush.

In the next hand I probably made another mistake, but in the long run it wasn't such a big deal. I was still a short stack of course...not THE short stack, but still pretty far down there with only 250 in chips (back to what I started the tournament with). I looked down at Q 10 off suit on the button. Everyone had folded around to me. I had just barely stayed alive in this thing and even though the blinds were short stacks too, I threw the cards away. The small blind folded, giving the big blind the free cards. I probably could've moved all-in with the Q 10 and seen both blinds fold. Since we know the small blind would have folded, the big blind is the only mystery. 250 chips would've left him with like 50 or 75 in chips and so chances are he would have folded and I would've taken down another 150 off the blinds. But I didn't do that and we move on.

Things go around for a while and then I look down at A 8 off suit. I move all in. Everyone folds around to the guy on my right who just recently put himself back into contention by knocking out another player leaving us with 6 people. He doesn't know what to do and takes advice from his friend who's already out of the game. He calls my all in. I flip over my A 8 off suit and he flips over his K 8 off suit. He takes the time to curse out his friend and we start seeing some cards. Neither of us pair anything and I take it down with my ace.

I'm not back up to 2nd or 3rd in chips and can breathe a nice sigh of relief. A few hands go around and then I look down at pocket 6s. I raise it 100, to 200 total (I have 600 in chips). I see a bunch of folds and then we're back to that guy on my right. He reraises me another 200, leaving me with only 200 if I call. I take my fair share amount of time to think about it and finally decide to go all in. I'm still not sure if this was a mistake or not. I could've just folded and been left with 400 and waited for a better situation. Of course, with only 600 in chips and the blinds being at 50/100, I'm still not in the best shape (even if I am second in chips). Of course, there were a lot of short stacks at the table, which were getting shorter and shorter. I probably could've just sat back and waited for them to bust themselves and tried to get in to one of the 4 places that pay out money. As I said though, I didn't do that, I went all in.

So I make him flip over his cards first, as he's first to the left of the dealer anyhow. He flips over A J of clubs, I flip over my pocket 6s and stand up to watch the cards come down. I'm a slight favorite, but only at 51.5% against 48.5%. The flop doesn't pair anybody, but it does bring down two clubs for him. At this point he turns in to about a 53% favorite against me. The turn brings him a straight draw too, but I turn back into the favorite at about 61% or so. I'm not happy though because he just has a ridiculous amount of outs (17 actually). He needs any ace or any jack (for a better pair), any 10 (for an ace high straight), or any club (for the flush). I just need to avoid any of that. The river comes down a 10 of hearts and my hopes are dashed as he makes his straight. I go out in 6th place out of 16 people.

It was depressing. I played very well, made good bluffs, got great value for my winning hands, made good laydowns. In the end though, it came down to the luck of the draw and I didn't come out on top. I don't so much care about the $20 I lost, more that I didn't finish in the money...more as a respect thing, validation, for all this poker I've been playing and practicing at.

I played a few good game though. I played next to perfect. My only real mistake was playing too loosely at the start of the final table. There's obviously places I can improve. There's playing perfect (making no mistakes with the hands you play) and playing extraordinary (making all the right moves, right calls, right laydowns, and the right reads). Once I learn to read people a little bit better, then I can learn how to really make them make hard decisions with their hands (and not just when I have the winning hand).

In the end though, it all basically came down to a coin toss, pocket 6s against A J suited. I didn't HAVE to make such a strong move right then, but everyone at the table was a short stack (technically) except for the chip leader. She wasn't the massive chip leader going in to the table, but she had a healthy lead. She used his chip lead well and bullied the table. She won a few key pots too and eventually was the massive chip leader. The guy I lost to though got my money and then soon followed it up with taking all the money of the guy who had been to my left. When the blinds went up to 100/200, he couldn't have been much more than a few hundred behind her. I didn't stay to see who won, just to see who made it in to the final four.

The payout went like this:
1st) $160
2nd) $90
3rd) $50
4th) $20
TOTAL: $320

In all, it was a really fun time and a great way to spend a Saturday. It was nice to play with a larger field of people, people I never met before, and some good players to boot. I found a few places to improve me game and, at the same time, learned that I'm a pretty strong player. The best compliment I got was after I doubled up from 125 to 250 at the end. One of the players said, "Don't give him chips, he's dangerous with them." That was the best thing to hear. Even the best players don't win all the time. I have no regrets.

Thanks for listening, stop reading.

- Rian

Pictures

2006-04-07T19:03:00.000-04:00

IMMIGRATION

I FOUND NEMO!!!!

Knees and Toes

2006-03-11T05:29:00.000-05:00

Generally, I prefer not to make so many posts, so fast. Yet, I find there are so many interesting things happening all around me lately. I couldn't let another day go by without doing my part to make sure that everybody knows about U2's latest hit. They've really hit the ball out of the park with this one, and I'm sure it'll be number one for decades to come.

Check it out here (p.s. there are quite a few great cameo's from well known personalities too)

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/has

Stop reading (unless you didn't catch any of my sarcasm, in which case, read the entire thing again, and then, for the love of God, watch the video).

- Rian

Where's the Beer Bong?

2006-03-09T18:14:00.000-05:00

Hell yea Hermione!

There's a lot of people who are upset by a picture of Emma Watson drinking alcohol. "But she's only 16! OMG!".....who gives a fuck? Those types of people probably think the entire Harry Potter set will turn into a giant orgy.

Well I say it's great. And even better, she has good taste in beer.

The post before this one was made yesterday, so I don't want to bury it so fast. Go ahead and read it if you want.

Stop reading, go buy Corona.

- Rian

The Left-Hand Path

2006-03-09T04:47:00.000-05:00

I promised that after I got a grade on that short screenplay I wrote, that'd I'd post the finished product here. I'll stand true to my word this time. There's a lot of things about this piece of work that I really love, a lot of little nuances and hidden things that are always fun for me to throw in and see who notices them. By the way, I got an A+ 100% on this screenplay. The teacher loved it. My roommate hated it, but he's the only one. He doesn't think very visually and went through it like a high school teacher looking at a term paper. I'd love to see this made into a short movie just so I could see it for real rather than just over and over again in my mind. Anyway, read, enjoy. Oh...some of the formatting got a little messed up when tranferring from MS Word to Blogger. If you understand the proper formatting and it's bothering you as you're reading, sorry. If you don't understand the proper formatting, then just forget about it. Ignorance is bliss.

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The Left-Hand Path

INT. JON’S HOME OFFICE - NIGHT

A middle-aged man, JON, is in his office at home at his computer, at a cluttered desk. On the top of a bookshelf sits a King James Bible by itself. On another wall is a loveseat. The only light comes from the computer. He’s wearing only boxers and socks. He’s a skinny guy with a tattoo in the middle of his chest. The tattoo is a picture of a crucifix with the word “GOD” running down vertically. JON takes out a flask and takes two long shots from it.

JON
Lord, this is bullshit.

JON bangs his fists and then throws the papers on his desk. He takes another few shots out of his flask. When it empties out he throws it across the room, knocking the Bible off the shelf and onto the floor. JON rushes over to the Bible and picks it up.

JON (cont’d)
Forgive me for I have sinned.

He places the Bible back on the shelf and returns to his computer. He picks a few of the papers off the floor and compares them with numbers on the computer screen.

JON (cont’d)
I’m never going to get this damn job.

JON slams the lid shut on his laptop. Feeling unsatisfied by that burst of outrage, he picks it up and throws it. He walks over to the bookshelf and picks up the Bible. He opens the book to a page he has marked and lays down on the couch.

JON (cont’d)
For God so loved the world…that he…that…

JON’S eyes flicker as he falls asleep. As the Bible drops out of his hands, another voice is heard.

LEVI (V.O.)
“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. John 3:16”

We still see JON lying in bed, sound asleep. He opens his eyes, but in a new setting.

INT. OFFICE CUBICLE – DAY

JON is sitting in a chair in a cubicle that was made to fit two people. Looking over his shoulder is LEVI, his cubicle-mate. LEVI wears khaki pants and a sweater vest. LEVI is overweight and looks like he hasn’t shaved in days. The hairs on both his chin and head are starting to gray. The bags under JON’S eyes show that he didn’t get sleep well last night, or possibly even in a long time.

LEVI
You’ve gotta get this crap off your computer.

LEVI makes a grab for JON’S mouse, but JON grabs his arm. They have a little tussle before JON completely shoves LEVI backward, almost making him fall.

JON
What the hell! What crap are you talking about?

LEVI
Whatever that Bible thing is.

JON
Why should I get rid of it?

LEVI
You bring that Bible to work and now you’re putting that crap on your computer. And yesterday! Praying right at your desk!

JON
Go sit in your own chair and leave me alone.

LEVI
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

JON
Who the hell is gonna ask about this?

LEVI
Lilith won’t like it.

JON
Lilith has a sense of respect and decency. I’m sure she wouldn’t care about any of this.

LEVI
I’m not trying to mess with you here, just trying to help.

JON
The day you try to help me will be a cold day in Hell Levi.

LEVI
Fine, go fuck yourself over. Aren’t you supposed to be meeting with the ice queen right now?

JON jumps up, having lost track of time. He leaves the cubicle. LEVI calls after him.

LEVI
See? Don’t say I never help.
(under his breath)
Prick.

As JON hurries to her office, he slips his flask out from inside his jacket.

JON
Cheers to me.

JON takes a few quick drinks.

JON (cont’d)
As I walk through the valley…

INT. LILITH’S OFFICE – DAY

JON enters the office and LILITH is standing in front of a fireplace that she has in her expansive office. She’s feeding official looking papers into a roaring fire. When she hears JON enter, she puts up her hand to stop him at the door. She throws the last few into the fire and turns to face him. Despite her small manner, she has a very large presence. She’s dressed in a men’s black suit, complete with tie, pants, jacket, and white shirt. She’s wearing black high heels.

LILITH
Shoes off Jon, I do not like my employees messing up my carpet.

JON takes off his shoes and continues to stand there.

LILITH
Sit.

JON
Thank you ma’am.

JON sits down and LILITH moves around behind him as she talks.

LILITH
You have heard about Mark’s recent departure and the significant opening he has left in our family. He was working as operational manager long before I arrived here, but I felt that he was not the right man for the job and, more than that, he was not willing to listen to me as his boss. It was a shame to let him go but it had to be done.

JON
Yes ma’am.

LILITH
I am currently looking for the right person to fill his shoes and I think that you would be a good candidate for that –

JON
Thank you, ma’am –

LILITH
Try not to interrupt me. There is more.

JON
Sorry ma’am.

LILITH
So, I am sure that you are starting to see where this conversation is headed. There is one thing that worries me though.

LILITH takes a tape recorder out of her pocket and hits play.

LEVI (on tape)
I never said anything before, but he’s getting worse now. He used to just bring his Bible to work, maybe look at it occasionally. Yesterday though, I came back from lunch and he’s hunched over his desk, praying, out loud. And this morning I see this Bible verse on his computer screen. It’s wrong.

LILITH stops the tape.

LILITH
This worries me.

JON
I’m not quite sure I understand ma’am.

LILITH
You look a little tense, go ahead and take off your jacket.

JON slowly takes off his suit jacket and drapes it around his chair.

LILITH (cont’d)
Listen Jon, the employees who work best under my care and prosper the longest, are those who will not ever lead me to worry.

JON
My beliefs—

LILITH
Are exactly what worry me. I do not like to be worried.

JON
I’m not sure what you want me to say ma’am.

LILITH
There are a lot of opportunities here Jon. There is plenty that I can offer you. Of course, this job comes with a bigger raise, almost twice what you make now. And of course, as operational manager of this magazine, you will be working much more closely with our clients. You are a bachelor, correct?

JON
Yes, ma’am.

LILITH walks behind her desk and opens a drawer.

LILITH
As you may or may not know, we have many clients in and out of here all the time that you would get to meet with.

LILITH pushes two pictures toward JON, one of Cameron Diaz and the other of Heidi Klum.

LILITH (cont’d)
And, even people of power and influence…

LILITH takes out another picture she pushes toward JON, of her shaking hands with President Bill Clinton.

LILITH
Are you feeling okay Jon?

JON
It’s a little cold in here.

LILITH
Give me your tie.

LILITH comes back around the desk as JON hesitantly pulls off his tie and hands it to her. She takes it and throws it into the fire.

LILITH
That should help warm things up. And, of course, while you would have more responsibilities, you would also have a multitude of employees working under you who are eagerly waiting for tasks to be delegated to them.

JON
I’m not sure what to tell you ma’am.

LILITH
Tell me that you will not be a worry to me; that this religious kick will end.

JON
It sounds…ma’am…that you want me to, well, renounce my beliefs or something in order to get this promotion.

LILITH gets in front of JON, standing over him, and making sure that she’s staring directly into his eyes.

LILITH
God is a figment of your imagination Jon. He is the invisible man that you talk to at night to help yourself sleep, and that is not even working for you. He is the make believe creature that you feel gives you hope and faith but, in reality, shelters you in a prison.

LILITH puts her hand in the air, palm up.

LILITH
Do you see this Jon? This object in my hand?

JON
Uh, I don’t know what…what?

LILITH
That is because there is nothing Jon. Now look up. What do you see? What do you see when you are outside? Nothing, because there is nothing there either.

JON
I don’t know if I’m the right man for the job –

LILITH
Of course you are Jon. You may have a Bible verse on your computer but you are no Christian. “Do unto others as you’d have done to you,” is not exactly the motto you live by. There is a quote in the Bible that you may or may not know, it goes, “And for this cause God shall send them strong delusion, that they should believe a lie.” Your God is a deceiver, no better than the devil herself.

JON
I don’t know that verse –

LILITH
Second Thessalonians, chapter two, verse eleven.

JON
I think I should go.

JON makes no movement to leave his seat.

LILITH
Then why do you stay? You want this, you need this. Take off your shirt.

JON
Excuse me?

LILITH
Shirt. Off.

JON watches her for a second, not knowing if she is serious or not. She does not show any sign that she has ever made joke in her life, so JON unbuttons his shirt and lets it fall to the floor.

LILITH
There, that is fine.

LILITH gets right in JON’S face and pokes him in the chest, where his tattoo is.

LILITH (cont’d)
Look at yourself. You have branded the very name of fiction onto your chest. Look how it fades, look how it wilts with your body. Take the job, take the raise, you know that it is everything that you have ever asked everybody for. Even. Your. God.

She pokes him three times in the chest with each word.

JON jumps up, knocking his chair backward as he does so. LILITH, picks his jacket up off the floor and takes the flask of vodka out of the inside pocket.

LILITH
Look at you, drinking on the job. Do you have so little self-control that you have to drink alcohol at work?

LILITH opens the flask and takes a drink from it.

LILITH
Sit back down.

JON stands his ground in front of LILITH. Despite the noticeable difference in their height, LILITH still has a commanding appearance and posture.

JON
What’s to keep me from getting you fired for this?

LILITH smiles and sits on the front of her desk but with her high heels still easily reaching the ground.

LILITH
Very nice Jon, let us actually get my boss in here. I will tell him about your drinking at work. I will also, of course, have to mention your abusive nature to the other employees.

JON
My what? I’ve never hurt anybody.

LILITH
Unfortunately Levi has a different view of things.

LILITH hits the intercom on her desk.

LILITH
Come in.

JON whips around to face the door as LEVI enters. He trips slightly over JON’S shoes, but then just kicks them aside. JON turns back around to grab his shirt, but LILITH has placed it on the desk beside her.

LILITH
Sit, Jon.

JON looks back and forth between LEVI and LILITH as if wanting to start a fight, but instead picks up the chair and sits down.

JON
Why are you doing this?

LEVI
I told you, he’s violent. He’s always harassing me and threatening me. He’s even thrown a few punches at me. It’s always after he’s been drinking off that flask of his.

JON
That’s such bullshit Levi and you know it.

LILITH
Unfortunately, since he is not the one with a flask in his jacket, it is going to have to be his word we take.

LEVI
I’m trying to help you Jon. You’re the only one qualified enough to take this job. Lord knows I can’t fill it.

LILITH
Do not make this complicated Jon. I am offering you a job that you have wanted for years, with every perk you could ever dream of. In return, all you have to do is give up something that you never really cared too much about in the first place. Do me this favor.

LILITH hands JON back his flask and he takes another hit from it before picking up his jacket and taking his shirt back. He stands up right in LEVI’S face, and they stare at each other for a second before LEVI graciously moves aside to let him pass. JON walks to the door and slowly opens it, but only halfway. LILITH walks up behind him and, from behind, gently closes the door in front of him.

LILITH
There are no answers out there Jonathan. Take what is real. Give it up.

INT. JON AND LEVI’S CUBICLE – SAME DAY

JON and LEVI walk back to the cubicle together and LEVI sits right in JON’S chair. JON stares at him a moment in disbelief then moves right past him.

LEVI
I told her about your computer last night.

JON
Is that so?

LEVI
I was just trying to help Jon.

JON grabs LEVI and pulls him out of the chair and then shoves him against the desk.

JON
Listen Levi, I don’t like you. I don’t need your help with my life, and for all I care, you can go to Hell.

LEVI
You do seem to have a small anger management problem.

JON throws LEVI to the ground and picks up the Bible off his desk and throws it on top of LEVI.
JON
Take this.

LEVI grabs it and flips through a few of the pages. JON turns around to leave the cubicle.

LEVI
What’s this for?

JON
Just trying to help you.
(starts to leave again, then stops)
And if I ever catch you with that Bible, you’re fired.
(Leaves for real this time)
See you tomorrow.

Cryptology

2006-02-19T22:48:00.000-05:00

Seems like it's been a while since my last post. I apologize, but most of my writing time has been taken up by my playwriting class. The first play I wrote for that class received full marks from my professor, but I don't think it's all that great, so I will never post it here. My second play is a solo show filled with monolouges, I pretty much bullshitted the entire thing, so I will never post that one either. My most recent work, however, has not been turned in, nor graded yet. It's not even in its final draft yet. However, it's shaping up to be rather interesting and refined, so there seems to be a very good chance that I will post it.

In the meantime, however, I feel like I must post something to occupy your time. I always found the idea of cryptology to be very interesting. Finding patterns in seemingly random placements of letters, numbers, and symbols and turning that into a comprehensive sentence, all seems fun to me. In honor of that, and in honor of being bored, I've created a little code of my own. In my opinion, it's very well done and will be very hard for anybody to crack. But if you think you can crack it, by all means, be my guest. If you find, however, that my code gets the best of you, then don't be surprised. Go ahead and try it though.

I'll give you a few sentences, if you can get any of them, please let me know.

1.) .E,LZ,KYR,JT,DzXV,RzW,CI,Cz,!LQC,Yz,IDE,MR

2.) !M,QI,Yz,XKLN,HzLzCD,RxG,?23,34,24,56,46z,45,69,.ZEBF,Dz,VLX,!JH,M,FDC,XUz,GB

3.) .GEBI,QUHzK,Dz,JVxXY!EMRO?36,68,34,69,46z,67,24,89z,90,56,13!XDF,VzH,GB,TxMTNJz?67,34,13,45,90,91,35,70,58z,69!MH,GND,VQRVz

4.) ?46,90,45,57,0z,35,24,12x!PKFDE,GNVz,ZLzCIzEz,JzMzQFx?68,34,57,13,47,34,89z,89,24.WX,AT,CI,VQzY,RzHzWz,KPxQx!GNQJz,ZMzK,XLz,DFVzC.CI,AHzEG,VxYF,DzX,EzSxZ!XNKJPE,HLzG,LDC,MGzMz?58,78,56,68,13,47,34,46z,23z,57x,45,91,58z,24,78z,89,69,57!PMVD?79,90,68,69!GNCDVz.KENYIHzX

If you can figure out any of those then I'll be awfully impressed and I'll have to go back to the drawing board with how to improve this code.

Good luck and stop reading.

- Rian

When You Gonna Ring It?

2006-02-07T23:51:00.000-05:00

I don't buy CDs, but if I did, then THIS ONE is definitely one that I would buy.

There's a certain quality about the White Stripes that you have to love. Many other (damn near all) groups have a certain type of music they make and that they'll continue to make until everybody gets bored with them. This is fine, a lot of great music comes out this way. The White Stripes, however, don't seem to want to fall into a genre. Their earlier stuff is not music that I like because it's a little reminicent of hard rock or heavy metal. This new CD is fun. There's something on there for everybody, and in my case, there's many somethings on there I like.

You should definitely go out and buy this CD...I won't be, but Lord knows that one of us should be paying for this music.

Here are the songs I would pick out of this CD to own for free (if only there was a way...)
- My Doorbeel
- The Denial Twist
- I'm Lonely (But I Ain't That Lonely Yet)
- Forever For Her (Is Over For Me)
- Little Ghost

----------------------------------------------------

In other news...there are Muslims burning Danish embassies because they're angry of a cartoon that appeared in a Danish newspaper back in September. Apparently the comic has a representation of Mohammud in it, which is a big no-no in the Muslim world. I feel compelled to use the word 'fopah' but only because I've never used it before.

I personally haven't seen this comic because every news program (even the fake ones like The Daily Show and the Colbert Report) refuse to show it. This is probably due to the fact that the stations would get ridiculous amounts of mail but they are also probably fearing for their very lives.

This is the point I want to touch on. As sacred as an image of Mohammud is to you Muslims, I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't want you to riot, burn, and murder just because some...uh..infadel (?) decided to draw a picture of his face that probably isn't accurate in the first place. I'm Christian and last time I checked, Christians and Muslims had the same God (the God of Noah, Moses, and Abraham) and I'm pretty sure he's against the extreme action that many Muslims have taken to show their anger.

Now, I realize that these extremists aren't representative of Muslims everywhere, but they seem to be rather plentiful in the middle east. It's really something that I don't understand. You don't see large communities of AK-47 wielding Baptists and you don't see Jews strapping bombs to themselves and blowing craters in the streets of Isreal. So what is it that makes Muslims want to kill everybody that doesn't agree with them? Are we not reading the same "Old Testament"?

The worst that would happen from a caricature of Jesus using the Lord's name in vain is a bunch of people writing harsh letters to the newspaper and the artist...and probably Pat Robertson saying the man should be exiled or hanged...and then apologizing about it later. The last thing I'd expect it some Lutheran fundementalist burning the guy's house down and killing his cat.

Can't we all just get along? No, no we cannot. Can't we all just tolerate? Maybe someday.

Stop reading.

- Rian

HM King Ryan

2006-02-02T16:22:00.000-05:00

Recently I discovered that there's a very good chance that my lineage is that of royalty. It is not only possible, but completely probable, that I'm a descendant of His Majesty King Edward III of Engalnd.

While this sounds amazing that a simple man like myself has royal blood flowing through his veins, I should probably tell you that you probably do too. In fact, there are at the very least millions of people in America, the United Kingdom, Ireland, and France that are descendant of King Edward III. You might be thinking to yourself that you understand now, but you truly don't. When it comes to the monarchs of France, various African countries, or what have you, the same isn't true. There are far from millions of people on different continents walking around with French royal blood. There's a very certain distinction between the old rulers of England and France.

So this paragraph will be a quick history lesson. When it comes to most royal families it was required that they marry either within the family (icky) or, more commonly, with other people who have royal blood. This created a very direct line of descendants and such a direct line more than likely thinned out or even died throughout the centuries. When it comes to such specific marriage selection, the options are limited.

The English did not act in this way however. Even since the middle ages, the English monarchs were able to marry whomever they chose. This considerably opens up the dating field. So it was not uncommon for Princesses or Princes, who would never obtain the throne unless many of their family died before them, to go out and marry the blacksmith's daughter or that cute boy who fishes down by the river. As such, you have many people born with royal blood into a not-so-royal lifestyle.

Personally, my most direct line of relatives hail from Ireland. I'm also Polish, German, and Belgian, but that's neither here nor there. So it's quite plausible that somewhere along the line somebody with royal blood married an Irish man who turned out to be my great great great great great great great great great great great great great (you get the idea...I hope) grandparent. This royal blood could've come from anybody. It doesn't necissarily have to be a Prince or Princess. It could be the King's nephew's son's cousin's daughter's cousin's father's son. Just some obscure relative who's probably nine hundreth in line to the throne, but still, technically, royal.

Since I can never prove that I'm distantly related King Edward III, I'm going to have to assert my royalty in another way. I've come up with a plan that sadly will have to involve many unfortuante accidents to some very aristocratic Brits. Before I start, however, I want to make it clear that this is all a joke. I don't condone the killing of royalty or anybody for that matter. Nor do I ever plan to kill anybody.

Alright...so here we go:

First, I have to travel to England because that's where the first target is. She is Her Royal Highness Princess Beatrice of York. She is the daughter of His Royal Highness Prince Andrew, the Duke of York. Prince Andrew is the son of the ruling Queen Elizabeth II.

Princess Beatrice is currently seventeen years old, two years younger than me, but it's not like I'm travelling over there any time soon.

So what I do first is I marry her. I'm an older guy and American, what more could an English girl want?

She's 5th in line to the throne, so now I'm perfectly placed. And so now that the joyous wedding and wild honeymoon has come to a close, the dirty work has to start.

I want to make it clear that following people don't necessarily have to die to be taken out of line to the throne. If there's one thing I learned through Wikipedia it's that it was common practice to blind a royal if you didn't want them to become King. So apparently you can't lead the country if you're blind. So for the following people, they can either be killed or blinded.

First to take care of is the ruling head, Queen Elizabeth II. This shouldn't be too hard as she's rather old. You shouldn't even have to do much, just hide behind something and jump out at her as she walks by. She's sure to have a heart attack.

Next is Queen Elizabeth's husband, Prince Phillip, The Duke of Edinburgh. He's not technically in line to the throne, but he'll probably have precedence over me. He's pretty old too and apparently he's pretty much a smart ass. So it should be easy to make it look like he got into an argument with somebody and it ended badly for him. Maybe the person he argued with got so pissed that he got strangled or maybe the person just gouged his eyes out.

Now there's really no turning back because this will make Prince Charles of Wales the new King and nobody really wants that (back to reality, I'm sure he'll make a great King and it probably won't be too long until we see that happen). He can be killed or blinded in any creative way you see fit just make sure to take out his new wife Camila with him...just because.

Next is Charles' famous children, Prince William of Wales and Prince Harry of Wales. They are second and third in line to the throne respectively, only behind their father. It'd probably be best to get them both around the same time because you really wouldn't want either to serve as King for any amount of time. It turns out that Prince William may soon be leaving to serve in Iraq, so that just might be one less person to take care of.

Next is Princess Beatrice's father, who as I mentioned before is Prince Andrew, the Duke of York. As the second oldest son of Elizabeth and Phillip, he is fourth in line to the throne behind his brother and two nephews. By this time people will start to get suspicous that all these monarchs are getting killed and security will not doubt be tight around the new King Andrew. Lucky for me, I'll be his son-in-law, so it won't be that hard for me to get close to him. Yet, first, to make sure nobody suspects me, I'll inflict a gunshot wound on myself to make it look like they tried to kill me next, but failed.

After Andrew is dead or blinded then our beautiful wife Beatrice is now the Queen of England, Australia, Canada, New Zealand, and many many others. By this time she'll be so distraught that it should be easy to get her to name me as a co-ruler. This part is essential because, technically, I'm not in line to the throne. If she died before I was made co-ruler, then the throne would probably pass to her sister, Her Royal Highness Princess Eugenie of York.

After Princess Beatrice makes that crucial decision, then TADA, I'm the new King of the Commonwealth of the United Kingdom and Northern Ireland and also the ruling monarch of Australia, Canada, New Zealand, Antigua and Barbuda, The Bahamas, Barbados, Belize, Grenada, Jamaica, Papua New Guinea, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Saint Lucia, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, the Solomon Islands, and Tuvalu.

Hmm...King Ryan...kinda has a ring to it doesn't it? No? Well you're opinion doesn't matter.

Now that we've reached the end I want to stress the above is all a JOKE. I have never and will never condone the killing of ANYONE, least of all the royal family of England. Murder is the worst thing that a human being can do and blinding somebody follows as a close second.

All of this just came of my research of the old English kings and I somehow drifted into the current royal family. When I noticed that HRH Princess Beatrice of York was near my age, and actually kind of good looking, the whole thing started to snowball.

Stop reading.

- Rian

Famous Last Words

2006-01-26T02:15:00.000-05:00

Despite the evidence to the contrary, I know that at least one thousand people read my ramblings every day. As such, I think it's a shame how little you know about me. If we're going to have such a close relationship then we should really keep the channels of communication open. However, since it's impossible for me to obtain and retain (ha) information about all of you, then I'll just share stuff about myself.

First off, I'm a libra. Libra is the constellation that isn't an animal or a person, it's just a scale...for measuring stuff. I don't know what my sign says about me, although I'm sure it isn't good.

Now to the meat and potatos of this post: my hobbies. One of my many hobbies is something that I like to call "Wiki-Surfing". This trademarked phrase is exactly what it sounds like; I surf Wikipedia, the massive online encyclopedia. I don't know what about it that I love so much, but the large amounts of knowledge I gain from it on a daily basis is astounding. For example, I've learned a lot about The Golden Age of Sail and the corresponding Age of Piracy. I know the basics of the laws of thermodynamics. I've learned about the future of the world through theories such as the Singularity. I recently brushed up on my sailing lingo. Mostly I've learned a lot of history, mostly of old wars like the Revolutionary War, the Civil War, and the Napoleonic Wars.

The reason for this post, however, is my most recent excursion into the wide world of Wikipedia (say that three times fast). While browsing earlier this morning, I came across a page called, "Famous Last Words". This page catalouged exactly what it sounds like, the last words of many famous people or people who became famous because of their unique last words. I would like to share many of these, divded into various categories.

Touching/Heartfelt Last Words
- Henry Ward Beecher "Now comes the mystery."
Do you know who this is? Yea, me neither. Apparently he was some kind of evangelist. Which is interesting because you wouldn't think that an evangelist would call death a "mystery". I thought evangelists were pretty clear and confident on what happened after death. Maybe this guy was full of it? We'll never know. RIP.

- Alexander Graham Bell "So little done, so much to do."
In case you're an idiot and have never been to any type of social studies class, this is the man who invented the telephone. He had a big bushy beard like Santa Clause. I find his last words to be very arrogant, despite how touching and deep they are. When you've invented something that changes the face of the world for the rest of time then you don't get the luxury of saying you've done little with your life. RIP.

- Lord Byron "Now I shall go to sleep. Good night."
Leave it to a poet to say something corny like that. If you think about it though, using these as your last words is just a fancy of way of saying, "Goodbye", which is just a really cliche and stupid thing to say as you kick it. In his defense though, "goodbye", is far better than saying, "Damnit, not immortal," which will probably be my last words. RIP.

- Thomas Edison "It's very beautiful over there."
While this seems very nice and peacful, he was more than likely just delerious beyond belief at the time. Perhaps he was seeing the gates of Heaven and the gardens of eternity but more than likely he was looking into his own lightbulb invention and thinking it was the grand light of God. Still, don't judge him, I'd be amazed if you're able to die in such a poetic way. RIP.

- Benjamin Guggenheim "Dressed in our best, prepared to go down like gentlemen."
To understand this quote it helps to know who Benny G was. He was one of those rich fuckers who went down with the Titantic. So, in this view, it's easy to see just how pretentious his last words are. At the same time I respect him for how he died. Very classy. RIP.

- Edgar Allen Poe "Lord help my poor soul."
What?! Does this really sound like some Edgar Allen Poe would say on his deathbed? I never imagined the cousin marrying, depression plagued, dark goth poet would say something like that. Some people say that these weren't his last words, that in fact they were: "It's all over now; write 'Eddy is no more'." Hm, yea, that sounds more like something he would say. RIP Eddy.

Comedic
- Lady Astor "Am I dying or is this my birthday?"
Lady Astor was the first woman in British parliment. She said these words when she woke up and saw her entire family around her bed. Even if she wasn't a politician I'd be amazed at her ability to make jokes while she's dying. RIP.

- John Barrymore "Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."
And then he died. He is the grandfather of actress Drew Barrymore, in case you were wondering. The comedic value of his last words is not in what he said but the inherent irony in the fact that he then proceeded to die. If Drew Barrymore ever dies, she'll be letting down her grandfather like her father did before her. RIP.

- Richard Feynman "I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring."
This man was a physicist, which has nothing to do with anything. Can't you just imagine him, stricken by sickness and forced to remain in bed for the rest of his days? I would imagine it actually is quite boring. Lucky for him it's impossible to die twice, so he'll never have to experience such boredom again. RIP.

- Joseph Henry Green "Stopped."
This is the coolest doctor in the world. He actually checked his own pulse, said that word, and then died. If that's not the sweetest way to leave this world, I don't know what is. Apparently, though, he wasn't cool enough to get his own page on Wikipedia, so I can't link his name for you to learn more about him. Sorry. RIP.

- Oscar Wilde "My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or other of us has got to go."
He may have just been completely out of his mind at the end of his life, or perhaps he's just the funniest man who ever lived. If he's not the funniest man who ever lived then he's definitely the only man to lose a duel to wallpaper. His words are very clear, only one of them could live, and obviously it wasn't him, so the wallpaper won. RIP.

Death Row
- George Appel "Well, gentlemen, you are about to see a baked Appel."
Can I get a rim shot? As you'll see through all the famous last words of people about to be executed in various ways, they say the darndest things. This is more than likely because they actually are given time to think about what they're going to say and they're not sick/delrious when they say it. There's no RIP for murderers.

- Thomas de Mahay Favras upon being handed his official death sentence as he was led to the scaffold during the Reign of Terror: "I see that you have made three spelling mistakes"
Talk about a slap in the face. You may be about kill me, but at least I know how to spell. How do you think they responded? "Oh, really? Well that's no good, we'll have to kill you another day." I know I'm making fun of a lot of dead people here, but just put yourself in this guy's shoes. You're being lead to the platform to be hanged and you take time to correct your executioner's writing. That's amazing, this guy has balls...or had. RIP.

- James French "How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? 'French Fries'."
Obviously this guy was given the electric chair. Did he know George Appel though? They have that same witty sense of humor that not only leads to them laughing in the face of death but to also make fun of their own names in the process. I hope a reporter took his advice and used that as a headline. Again, though, he's a murderer so he doesn't get a RIP.

- Barbara Graham convicted murderess to executioner Joe Feretti who was in charge of her 1955 gas-chamber execution. "Now take a deep breath and it won't bother you", Feretti said. To which Barbara retorted: "How in the hell would you know?"
This woman wasn't just a murder, she was a serial killer. Despite how great of a retort this is, I'm not sure how much it accomplishes. Sure, she hit executioner Feretti with an amazing comeback but then he got to legally murder her. So he got the last laugh in the end.

What the Fuck?
- Alfred Jarry "I am dying, please...bring me a toothpick."
Nobody wants to die with that piece of food stuck in their teeth. You don't want to be standing at the pearly gates only to have St. Peter whisper in your ear, "Hey man, not to embarrass you or anything, but you've got a huge piece of chicken stuck in your teeth." In his defense, Wikipedia describes him as a "French playwrite and absurdist". I don't know what an absurdist is, but I'm sure being one had some effect on his final words. RIP.

- Sam Kinison "Oh, ok. Ok."
Ok. You'd expect somebody who lived their life as a comedian to go out saying something even remotely funny. But whatever. RIP.

- Socrates "Crito, I owe a rooster to Asclepius. Will you remember to pay the debt?"
Perhaps these words hold some hidden psychological lesson...but I doubt it. What kind of person dies trying to repay a debt? You're dead, all bets are off. And it is, after all, just a stupid rooster. RIP.

- Josef Stalin "Where am I...What the hell? Oh God dammit no!...I couldn't find the left foot sock. Is it under the chair?"
Stalin is perhaps one of the most infamous names of the 20th century and will be remembered for all of time for his great manly mustache (not like Hitler's pussy-stache). So who would've imagined that such a man would spend his last moment worried about where he misplaced his left sock. "What? Where am I? I'm dying?! Dammit, where's my left sock?" RIP.

- Henry David Thoreau "Moose...Indian"
Uh...what? If there existed an award for the most random thing to say as you die, Thoreau would win. Personally, I'm not a very big fan of his writing, but I'm a huge fan of his final words. I feel like there's no more I could say to make fun of these words, they're just so weird that I think my work is done. There's nothing I can do but laugh. RIP.

And finally, the TOP 3 FINAL WORDS of all time:

1. Pancho Villa "Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."
Unfortunately for him, they DID let it end like that. Clearly whoever he died in front of did not love him at all. Pancho Villa specifically told that person to lie for him, to tell everybody that he said something inspiring and historic, and they didn't do that for him. So now Pancho Villa can go down in history for being the least creative dying man ever. RIP.

2. John Sedwgwick Union Army General, was observing the lines at Spotsylvania when his men warned him to be wary of Confederate sharpshooters: "They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."
Arrogance claims another life. If I were a general in any war, I would want to go down in history for my clever battle tactics and my bravery in the face of unsurmountable odds. Sadly, this guy went down in history for blind stupidity. The only reason he makes the top 3 is because he got shot and killed WHILE saying that they could never hit him. Fate has a cruel sense of humor sometimes. RIP.

1. Voltaire (on his death bed when asked by a priest to renounce Satan): "Now now, dear man, this is not the time to be making enemies."
Who knew the French writer/philosopher was such a funny guy. I find it deplorable that he didn't actually renounce Satan on his deathbed, but you can't deny his logic. In my mind, Voltaire earned this number 1 spot by a long shot. I read through 189 famous last words and this one, more so than any of them, made me laugh like crazy. If there is an ultimate response to somebody telling you to renounce Satan on your deathbed, this is it, there's no better way to respond to that. Bravo, Voltaire, bravo! RIP.

So that's the list. Obviously I left a lot out. There were other slightly humorous sayings and other deep, touching ones, but these were the best. I would give you the link to the page to decide for yourself, but it's insulting to think that you don't believe me. So just trust me on this one.

As an ending note I'd like to talk about Albert Einstein's last words. Nobody knows what they are, but this isn't because nobody was there when he said them. The problem was that he said them in his native German tongue and he died here in America under the care of an American nurse who didn't speak anything but English. The sad thing is that Einstein's final words were probably the secret to life or the conclusion of his research on the existence of God. Yet, for all we know he could've said, "McDonald's hamburgers are the greatest invention of the 20th century." RIP Mr. Einstein.

Stop reading.

- Rian

National Holiday

2006-01-24T02:47:00.000-05:00

The Flu Skirmish of 2006
- Outcome: Perhaps this “skirmish” is not as grand
of a battle as many previous, but still worth mentioning because it happened
recently and it’s the only date I’m sure I have right. For much time it was
unsure of whether the invading enemy was a simple flu or perhaps a more
dangerous foe, such as mononucleosis. The deciding outcome of the battle is not
yet clear as pockets of resistance still linger. My katana carrying friends are
gaining much ground very quickly and so I have no reason to doubt their
dominance on the battlefield once again.

That was my description for the current plague of my body. I called it a skirmish because it seemed to be going away at the time. This, however, was not the case. In fact, the nasty flu invaders were using blitzkrieg tactics against my white blood cell army.

For the past week and a half my white blood cell army has been fighting valiantly in this so called "skirmish". A few days ago I upgraded this event from "skirmish" to "war" and today I am happy to announce that the war has been won. To be sure this time I waited a few days to see if there would be a relapse, and there has not been. There may still exist pockets of resistance here and there, but nothing that can make any real impact on my body anymore.

Let us celebrate another grand victory!! Let January 23rd be considered a national holiday for all of the United States!!

Stop reading.

P.S. - assuming you haven't listened to me and continued to read, I'd like to say that I've written a short play for my playwriting class and I'm thinking about posting it here when I feel it's complete enough. It's called "Life Itself"...which really doesn't tell you anything about it and in fact that title isn't exactly etched in stone. You should keep checking back every hour until you see it. You can actually stop reading now.

- Rian

A History of Virus

2006-01-17T04:34:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when I'm sick I like to think there's a battle of epic, Lord of the Rings, proportions taking place within my body. On one side there is the invading army of germs or viruses and on the other side is my own army made up of these little white cells, armed with bows and arrows and katanas, ready to chop the heads off the barbarians.

The invading army is relentless. No matter how many times they've entered my body, teeth bared, bringing hell down within me, they always comes back. They've never yet won the battle against my formidable white-bloody-buddies yet this does not deter them. For the invading army still knows that they can cause considerable damage and perhaps they hope that they will damage me enough that the next invading army will deal the finishing blow.

Alas, my own army is young and strong. Each have been well trained since birth (which was probably only days before) and all fight with the tenacity of ten of any of the viruses. They know their skills far outmatch those of the viruses and they have strength in numbers too. The only advantage the viruses have is the element of surprise. The white blood cells never know where the enemy might attack and, unfortunately, they are some slow muther fuckers getting onto the scene. Yet, when they do, they show why few can stand against their might.

I can only hope my white blood cell army will always stay so strong and confident. There are many invading barbarian germs out there that could possibly topple their dominance, but with a little luck and responsiblity, those fierce enemies can be avoided.

Epic battles to date:

The Chicken Pox of '95
- Outcome: The pox put up a grand fight, making their mark in many places across the battlefield. In the end, the white blood cell army not only defeated the invaders but ensured that they could never come back again.

The 1998 Stomach Flu War
- Outcome: No other enemy has yet to fight harder, as the white blood cell army had to call in the support of its allies at the hospital. Yet, with their combined force, the virus was quickly eradicated.

The Cold War
- Outcome: A string of colds throughout the winter months of 1999-2000 sent me home from school many a time to the chagrin of my parents. The common cold may be a complex and fast enemy yet is hardly a match for the strength of the white blood cell army.

The Strep Throat War of 2002
- Outcome: A vicious and painful battle in which many brave white blood cells lost their lives (maybe). Despite the fact the enemy was mostly concentrated in one part of the battlefield, they put up a surprisingly tough fight. In the end, the white blood cells, through shear numbers and tenacity, destroyed the scourge of the throat.

The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre
- Outcome: This has nothing to do with me or the armies of cells and viruses raging within me throughout my life. In fact, I know very little about this specific event. In fact, I wasn’t even alive when it happened (didn’t it happen in the 1920s?). I just like the name; it’s kind of catchy (no pun intended), like “The Boston Tea Party” or “The Battle of Bunker Hill”.

The Flu Skirmish of 2006
- Outcome: Perhaps this “skirmish” is not as grand of a battle as many previous, but still worth mentioning because it happened recently and it’s the only date I’m sure I have right. For much time it was unsure of whether the invading enemy was a simple flu or perhaps a more dangerous foe, such as mononucleosis. The deciding outcome of the battle is not yet clear as pockets of resistance still linger. My katana carrying friends are gaining much ground very quickly and so I have no reason to doubt their dominance on the battlefield once again.

There have been, of course, many other battles throughout my lifetime, but I can’t remember them all nor would I want to try to write them all out in witty and clever ways.

Isn’t this a fun way to think of how your body works? A scientist would come in and tell me all this boring stuff about white blood cells and flu viruses and he would use all these scientific stupid words until I fall asleep.

Did you know that there are actually diseases that can be caused by white blood cells? I call this civil war or mutiny.

To learn more, go here: The Real Story of the Courageous Fighters Within Our Bodies

Stop reading.

- Rian

Bein' Single

2006-01-03T14:38:00.000-05:00

I got to use the adjective "depressingly interesting" today. It's always an exciting moment in life when you you realize you've said something that you've never said before. I'm so absolutely positive that never in my 19.5 years have I ever used any pairing of words anywhere close to that. In fact, it's probably safe to say those words have never been paired before. Mostly this is because it's a semi-oxymoron.

--------------------> QUICK ENGLISH LESSON

Mr. Clueless from Cleveland says:

Dear Rian (my guide in all aspects of life),

What is an "oxymoron"?

---**---

Dear Mr. Clueless from Cleveland,

An oxymoron is a pairing of words that contradict each other. For example, if you said somthing was happily depressing, that would be an oxymoron because something cannot be happy and depressing at the same time. Generally oxymorons are used in jokes because they make no sense or in poems because poets like to be "morons" themselves.

Want another oxymoron? Creative Poet.

Sincerely,
Rian (your guide in all aspects of life)

--------------------> END ENGLISH LESSON

Now that we're all on the same page, I say that "depressingly interesting" is a semi-oxymoron because the two words aren't exactly idependent opposites. To state my case, I'll explain what lead to me using this adjective.

I was reading a bulletin on Myspace. I'm not happy to announce that I have a Myspace, but I do, so get over yourself. Anyway, it was a bulletin that my friend titled "Bein' Single". Basically all it was was people posting the reasons they think they're single. With the exception of one or two people, everybody had a reason. When it comes to the few people who said "I don't know," well, that's total bullshit. If you're single you have a reason why, even if you don't want to admit it to yourself or even if the reason is complete bullshit too.

Most people have good reasons though that I think are thoughts that the majority of the people on this planet share. Let me share some of these, followed by my commentary (minus the names of course).

"Because I'm nice and girls don't go for the nice guys."
---> Bullshit is the word of the day. There's two things wrong with this very common sentence. One, you are not a nice guy. There's no such thing as an all around "nice" guy. There IS such a thing as a nice guy, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder, if you get my drift. You are not nice to everyone, you break hearts, you lead girls on even when you don't mean to, you're an asshole sometimes even if you don't realize it. Two, girls ARE looking for the nice guy, but for THEIR nice guy. Saying that girls don't go for the nice guy is just something you say to make yourself feel better. She could be going out with the nicest guy in the world and you'd still think he was a dick just because you're not him. Girls want what they want, if that's not you, find another girl who does want you.

"I'm ugly"
---> I'm sorry. Someday you might find someone who disagrees. Plus, such pesimissm never got anybody anywhere.

"Guys are stupid!"
---> So are girls, get over yourself.

"because guys dont like me"
---> I'm dead sure that there has been a guy in your life that has liked you and you either didn't know about it or didn't return those feelings. Guys DO like you, but the only guys that matter to you are the ones that you like. Perhaps those guys didn't like you (maybe some did?) but regardless, eventually you'll find one who will.

"Because my last boyfriend turned out to be married."
---> Yeah, you might want to avoid that.

"cause i go after the ungettable.i need help."
---> Nobody is "ungettable," sounds like a confidence problem.

"Just too many of them play games and just cant be into one person and be happy with just one person"
---> I agree. People who play games aren't worth it. Either you want something or you don't. Things can get confusing enough without playing games too. Sometimes games can be a good way to prove how much a person is in to you, but they can also push people away who are very very in to you. The people who can't be happy with just one person are the people who are searching too much for "the one" instead of just jumping in and being happy with "the one right now."

"I'm single because I'm weird and no one can handle me"
---> Are you proud of that or not? I hope you are. You just need somebody else who is really weird and can go blow for blow with you. (That's a boxing metaphor, nothing sexual)

"Because im fat and shy as hell"
---> Lose weight, get confident.

"Basically because I don't know what I want."
---> I think this is a problem a lot of people have, but they usually don't admit it. Kudos to this girl.

"I guess because guyz only date pretty girlz"
---> That's not true. I've seen plenty of guys with some pretty ugly girls, I'm sure they think their girlfriends are beautiful though. (On a side note...don't use the letter 'z' to replace 's'...that's just annoying).

"Nice guys finish last."
---> You're always going to finish last if you walk the race while everybody else is running.

"I want a pretty girl that doesn't think she's to good for everyone and those dont exist! Oh and they have the cooties."
---> Yes they do and some do. haha

"because I haven't found a man who is intellectually and emotionally on my plane who also has the ability to be completely adoring but yet not smothering. Who makes me laugh constantly and enjoys the same things I do. But it could just be all these unsightly warts on my face and body!!"
---> Yea...I'm gonna go with the warts thing.

"I do not really know. Sometimes I think it is because I have short hair and guys only like long hair. Other times I think it is because I am not a whore or because I am smart and guys dig simple duh girls. Still, sometimes I think it is because I am so picky, and tired of dating losers and just holding out for someone worth dating"
---> Your hair doesn't matter except to the most shallow of men. Not a whore is a good thing, stick with that. Smart is very good, "simple duh girls" are not. Now that last sentence, about being picky, that seems to be very common. Personally, that's my problem. I'm ridiculously picky which really lowers my options. In my opinion you should never lower your standards, being picky might get you sometimes, but when you do find someone it will be more worth it than anything.

"cuz i change too much. guys dont like that."
---> Yea, they don't...someone might though, find that person.

"maybe i'm afride of change. maybe i should take more chances."
---> Knowing what to do and actually doing it are two very different things.

"Because im a selfish bitch."
---> At least you know it.

"Bein' pessimistic and pretty much always feeling like I'm never perfect for her, feeling I can always be better. That it's just never enough."
---> There's no such thing as perfect. Confidence is the key. I see two options, continue to feel this way and sabotage everything or realize how much she means to you and start being yourself more so you don't lose her.

There were a lot more than this but some were repeats, some were stupid, some were jokes. But as you can see, it is rather "depressingly interesting."

Honestly, I'm the last person to be giving relationship advice or maybe I just need to follow some of my own advice lol. But really, I'm with a lot of people on that list who said they enjoy being single. Sometimes it's just about having fun.

Stop reading...and go have fun.

- Rian

A Note On Leprechauns

2005-12-18T02:01:00.000-05:00

In the story I told preceding this post I mentioned a leprechaun I met. At one point in the story I got the leprechaun to look the other way by saying there was a walrus behind him. Don't confuse this for random idiocy. We all know that the only things that leprechauns fear are walruses. If you can prove otherwise, I'd like to see your source. The burden of proof is on you my friend.

Stop reading...if you must.

- Rian

A Quaint Little Story

2005-12-14T22:11:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time,

There was a boy who finished his finals and started Christmas break before all of his friends from other schools. Since his friends from his school don't live close enough to see regularly, he was forced to be bored. They were long, lonely days of internet poker, playing with the animals, downloading music, and basically going insane.

Then one day he was visited by a lepreuchan who told him that he would never be sure that he was spelling leprechaun correctly and also that he was NOT going crazy. This was surprising news to the boy since he had never before in his life seen a leprechaun and was pretty sure they didn't exist. Yet, still, having heard many magical stories about leprechauns, he knew what to do. He shouted that there was a big walrus behind the leprechaun and when the little guy turned in fear to look, the boy grabbed him. The leprechaun was so fucking pissed and bit the boy's hand. The boy dropped the leprechaun and screamed out obsenities. When he looked again, the little green man was gone. The boy was sad and the leprechaun had left a scar on him, literally, the bite marks could be seen for the rest of his life.

When the boy's friends came home from their own exams, he never told them this story for fear of what they would say. It was, after all, completely ridiculous. Even though he had the bite marks on his hand, there's no way he couldn't prove that a baby hadn't bitten him rather than a leprechaun. So the boy never told anybody and he carried the story with him to the grave.

The moral of the story is: Never grab an angry, imaginary leprechaun...it won't do anybody a spot of good

Stop reading.

- Rian

Look-a-Like

2005-12-07T22:27:00.000-05:00

There are many things in this world that are impossible to understand. Magic is one of those things. David Copperfield made the Hoover Dam dissapear? How does he do it?! Another of those things we don't understand is death. But that's not what this is about either. Another thing nobody will ever understand in the human brain...that's also not what this is about. Another thing is people who look like other people but aren't related...but that's not...no wait, it is. That's what this is about.

One day I was watching the History channel, as I often do to expand my knowledge of our past to enrich my hopes for the future. Or some shit like that. Anyway, it was this piece about WWII. That's not all that amazing since eighty percent of the programs on the History Channel are about WWII. Apparently there's a lot to say about it.

Well I was watching and guess who pops on the screen? No, not "my mom"...you're so juvenile. No, it was Hitler, Adolf Hitler. He was sticking out his hand, speaking all german, looking all gay in his small evil mustache and I was sitting there watching him and something struck me. I started to realize that Hitler looked VERY familiar...beside looking like Hitler that is. I thought about it a moment and I got it. Hitler looks like Kevin Spacey. Or more correctly, Kevin Spacey looks like Hitler.

I used Google Image Search like all red blooded Americans do, to confirm my beliefs. My beliefs were confirmed for the most part. When you put them next to each other you can still see the striking similarities but I must say they look more like each other when you don't see them together. I was a little dissapointed, but it's still there. Take a gander:

Do you see it? Receding hair line, egg shaped head, round eyes, same thin lips, same sunken cheeks. The only real difference I see, beside hair style and the fact they don't share mustache grooming tips (i.e. Spacey shaves, Hitler gays), is the chin.

Okay, so that look-a-like isn't perfect. Let's try another one. This one was popluar about 4 years ago after the tragic 9/11 affair. Everyone in the country knew the name Osama Bin Laden and people wanted him captured and killed. To this day that hasn't been done. But perhaps we've been looking in the wrong places.

Consider these pictures of Osama Bin Laden and Scotty Pippin:

You'll have to use a little imagination on this one. Look at Pippin. Sure, his face looks a little too long, but put on the bushy beard and the turban. Now what do you think? We found him!!! Oh wait...it looks like he's already been arrested by Houston Police Department. Sucks for him, getting caught in Texas of all places.

Stop reading.

- Rian

Rue the Day

2005-11-30T21:36:00.000-05:00

Did you get here by clicking a Johnny Cash line in my profile? Want more? The taste of love is sweet, when hearts like ours meet, i fell for ya like a child, ohhh but the fire went wild, i fell in to a burning ring of fire, i went down down down but the flames went higher, and it burns burns burns the ring of fire

Anyway...it's finals time. This is the one time of the year you might catch me putting in some actual work. I want to stress the word MIGHT.

Of course, if I had an Xbox 360 you could bet I wouldn't be putting in ANY work and just leave my exam grades up to fate. But perhaps FATE has kept me from my lovely 360 for a reason. Damn you fate! You'll rue the day you crossed me!

So I WILL be studying for exams was my point. I have four classes, three finals, and a paper. The American Lit final and the Critical Thinking final will require a little studying I suppose. And I guess I'll look at past tests for that Math final. But that paper...damn that paper. That damn history paper. So it's on this book called "The Adventures of Ibn Battuta"...but don't let the word 'Adventures' fool you...he was actually quite the boring guy. Well I assume he is, I haven't read the book. The paper is due tomorrow at 12:30 pm...it's currently 9:45 pm and I know nothing about Ibn Battuta. I found some sites earlier that I can get my info from...but I procrastinate.

Damn that paper.

Thursday I get drunk...so drunk. I hope. Celebrate the end of the week!

What was the point of this post?

Stop reading.

Wasting Time

2005-11-18T14:04:00.000-05:00

This is a mini-update, not really a post. I AM working on something, but it's not done yet and that's why there's a delay. Which is sad, because I so wanted to at least have something up every Friday. You may be saying "Well Friday isn't over, get going." Well beside telling you to shut up and mind your own bees wax, I would also say that it's national Harry Potter day and I have to coordinate with close affiliates (people I like to call "friends") to go see the movie sometime today.

But I decided to do this mini blurb for 3 reasons:
1) To waste my time
2) More importantly...to waste YOUR time
3) This funny conversation between a friend and me. It was on AIM and it's only 2 messages, but it's funny, I give you my word (which is worth very little btw):

Ragtag0Rian0: the irony of my situation is that i was getting in my car to go to the bookstore and buy a Bible...only to realize I have a flat...what does that mean?
Rampage******: Jesus wants you to walk

I censored part of his screen name because I don't think he wants you bothering him. If you IM'd me on the other hand, I think I could bother you more than you'd bother me. I'd out-bother you in a professional bother-0ff (that word loses it's meaning fast huh? bother bother bother).

And yes, I was going to buy a Bible. I thought it was time I read up on that Heaven and Hell stuff. Mostly this is all because of a book series I'm reading called Left Behind. They're action fantasy books based on end times prophesies from the Book of Revelations. Now that may not sound like your cup of tea, so let me reword it. They're books about massive worldwide EARTHQUAKES...a corrupted, Satanic-worshiping politician who decieves the world populace and takes CONTROL...a group of people against the evil world goverment who are FUGITIVES and SUBVERSIVES...PLAUGES and ASTEROIDS and WATER TURNING TO BLOOD!!!!
(insert dramatic music here)
Everyone likes books about espionage, death, destruction, chaos, and deceit.

And yes, my car has a flat tire. And no, I don't know how to change a tire; it's not something that was ever offered to me to learn, nor did I ever take an interest in learning. If you want, you can feel free to come here right now, get down in the snow, and change it for me. Be my fucking guest.

Stop reading.

- Rian

Boosting the Business

2005-11-16T01:09:00.000-05:00

There is a movie that is coming out soon that I think everybody should know about. There may be many highly publicized movies and huge Christmas blockbusters coming out soon, but these Hollywood high-rollers shouldn't keep us from recognizing the truly entertaining, although not as well-known, upcoming releases. And so, in honor of this movie, I'm writing a special entry in my blog to bring some publicity on what could possibly be one of the greatest movies of the year. Some of you may have heard of it, but most have probably not. So let me say this once and let me be very clear: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire comes out in just a few days, DO NOT OVERLOOK IT.

Harry Potter first started as a book series, but never acquired much acclaim. This did not deter the author, J.K Rowling, and she continued to pursue her creation. She has made her story of this young boy a seven part series and six of these seven books are currently on the shelves. If you're not into books or if you're illiterate (in which case you can't even read this...bitch), a courageous movie production firm, named Warner Brothers, has decided to take a chance with putting these books onto the silver screen.

Three of these movies have already been released in the past four years. These first three movies (The Sorcerer's Stone, The Chamber of Secrets, and The Prisoner of Azkaban respectively) went largely unnoticed by critics and mass audiences alike. They did not fly under MY radar however and I recently watched all three. These are pure works of art, a gateway into a fantastic magical world. I have come to love these movies so much that I feel called to spread the word about the upcoming fourth movie which, as previously stated, is called The Goblet of Fire.

Now many of you may not know who Harry Potter is. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm one of the few places on the Internet where you can hear about this young boy and his stories, but if you're looking for information, you've come to the right place. The series starts with an eleven-year-old Harry, a normal boy, just like you and me...except his parents died when he was a baby and he is now raised by his evil aunt and uncle. And, oh yea, he's a complete loser, the type of kid you would trip in the hallways at school and who would come into school one day with a gun and shoot many fellow students before killing himself. Yet this is not the path that young Harry chose.

Eventually a really fat fat fat man named Hagrid tells this boy he's a wizard. For a long time you think that this giant of a man is some kind of con artist and cheap magician. Then you come to accept that he just might be telling the truth. So Harry goes off to a school for magical boys and girls where little green elves serve them and where pixies and magical beasts of all kinds exist and frolic. Perhaps that sounds a little sarcastic, but you actually learn to accept this as truth too.

In Harry's first year he learns his parents were killed by an evil wizard bent on world domination and the destruction of muggles (that's me and you, non-magic people). Even wizards and witches dare not speak this evil man's name. At the end of the book Harry saves a mythological stone known as the Sorcerer's Stone (AKA Philosophers Stone), which can turn anything to gold and produces an elixir of life, from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. In Harry's second year he kills a snake that can only be described in one way, huge-muther-fucker, by pulling a sword out of an old talking hat. Oh, and a phoenix cries on him to heal his mortal wounds. In his third year, Harry becomes convinced that an escaped convict is the reason for his parents death. He tracks this guy down and is ready to kill him, but becomes apparently hoodwinked into thinking the man is innocent. A brave professor at the school named Snape dares to tell the truth, but his views are denounced and we're once again forced to accept that Harry is right.

Now it's Harry's fourth year and he's back again to his crazy antics. I don't want to ruin it for you, but let's just say it involves dragons, mermaids, a sphinx, murder, and hilarity will NOT ensue. Oh, there's love too, awkward, hormonal, teenage love.

Now I feel the free press I'm giving to this movie will increase its business exponentially. There's no doubt in my mind that because of me this movie will make hundreds of millions of dollars and create hundreds, if not thousands, of fans. If I'm right, I don't ask for any money or any increased popularity, all I ask is for people to give credit where credit is due. I demand respect.

Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire releases two days from now on November 18th, 2005. Don't miss out on what could quickly become one of the biggest fads in the world! And tell the people at the box office that I sent you, they'll know what that means.

- Rian

Elevator Etiquette

2005-11-11T02:20:00.000-05:00

Perhaps one of the most uncomfortable places in the world is inside an elevator. It just isn't natural for any number of people to be housed within a small moving box. Sometimes the building that the elevator is in tries to beautify the elevator which can only make it worse. Elevator music is often criticized and usually the wallpaper is abhorrent. Yet nothing will ever compare to the tension between people.

Let's check out some scientific drawings of elevators situations you might find yourself in:

This is proper elevator etiquette for two people who don't know each other. If you're ever in an elevator, think of this picture and follow it. Okay, maybe you don't have to stand spread eagle and you'll never be able to hover a foot off the floor, but the message is: keep your distance. You don't know who that other person is or where they've been, they may very well bite.

Now what you don't want to do is difficult for me to show in a 2-D picture. But if you get in the elevator and the other person stands right in the middle of one of the walls, or worse, right in the middle of the whole damn elevator, this puts you in an awkward position. Your best bet is to find a nice place and turn your body away from that person. This should convey the message that you don't want rabies.

This is the most uncomfortable situation that a person can be put in. You don't know this person, so why are they talking to you? There's no need for conversation in a closed box for a ten second ride. I don't carry on a conversation with you on a roller coaster, so why should we converse here. You may argue this is not the same thing, but you're wrong. At the very best I'll converse with you in the same way I do on a roller coaster; I'll yell in your face and throw my hands up into the air.

Now there are exceptions to this rule, as there are to most rules. This picture should perfectly describe this exception:

She's hot! IF she's talking to you, you'd be an idiot not to respond. I don't care who you are, you talk to her. You never know when the elevator could break down and trap both of you in there for hours, bored and lonely, hot and sweaty. Reverse roles in the above picture, depending on gender and/or sexual orientation.

This may seem like common sense, but there are some stupid people out there and I'm happy to be their guide in all aspects of life.

Now let's step it up a level. It won't always be just you and another person in that elevator. Consider this advanced diagram:

Wow! What do you do here? I'm not going to lie, it's not a pretty situation. Look at the people on the very left and the very right. They're all smashed against walls and pissed off no doubt. That guy second from the left, he feels inadequate standing next to such a big guy on his right. That guy second from right, his head is grotesquely huge. And the guy in the middle is fat as far as stick people go. Now this may have nothing to do with your present situation, but the point I'm trying to make is that when you're in an elevator, your worst physical flaw can make you feel exposed. And just about everyone feels cramped. For most people this just compounds their deep fear that somebody is going to let one rip.

My solution? Drop to the floor and curl into a fetal position. Suck your thumb if that makes you feel better. When the elevator gets to your floor, crawl out on all fours. If the elevator jams and that fantasy of getting stuck with a hot girl turns into that nightmare of getting stuck with four freaks, just hold your breath until you pass out. Then pray to God that when you wake up, it's in a nice comfortable hospital bed. It's the quickest way out of a bad situation, short of killing yourself.

The best thing to remember when you're in an uncomfortable situation with one or more people is to not overreact, nor do you want to underreact. Play it cool, but don't mellow out. Act like yourself, but remember that nobody likes you. Bottom line: You're fucked.

- Rian

Exhibit C - C for Christmas

2005-11-07T05:33:00.000-05:00

THIS IS AN EXTENSION OF THE PREVIOUS ARTCILE...SO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY READ THAT FIRST OR ELSE I'LL KEEP HOLDING DOWN THE CAPS LOCK!!!!

----------

Alright...I've seen even more Christmas commercials now. I think it's a virus my TV has. You know how those viruses can be, spreading to other commercials, killing the Thanksgiving spirit before its due time. Experts say that this virus could mutate into a form more easily tranferable between humans, but I doubt it. I mean...HAH...come on, this ain't no avian bird flu.

I think I've digressed a little too much.

I've compiled this list of sites that have already been bitten by the Christmas bug. Check it out. Ho ho ho.

http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/ - it might just be a small little bit near the bottom, but it's very Christmas-y in that small spot. It will spread.

http://www.amazon.com/ - This one is too horrible, don't look at it. They completely decked their halls with boughs of holly and they're definitely pushing it with the 'let it snow' banner. You think it's bad now? It will spread.

http://www.ebay.com/ - Look at that...holiday ornaments hanging from their links. It's small, it's unobtrusive, but trust me, it will spread.

http://www.target.com/ - They're not even trying to hide it. See Spot save. See Spot eat candy canes. See Spot crap on pictures of pilgrims. I would say "It would spread," but I really don't think that's possible.

http://www.fbi.gov/ - Blatant Ramadan decor everywhere. Alright, I made this one up. But, you have to agree, this site could use a little more red and green...and maybe a menorah.

- Rian

Do You See What I See?

2005-11-04T21:26:00.000-05:00

Can you feel it? Are you starting to notice the signs? Perhaps not. Perhaps you're not even looking for said signs because you wouldn't believe they exist already. Or, even worse, perhaps you HAVE noticed the signs and you are now shaking your head in utter disbelief. Either way, it's that time of year yet again. In the musical words of Andy Williams: "It's the holiday season, so whoop dee doo."

Perhaps you think I'm lying to you. You might be thinking as you read this, "What a waste of internet, there's no way the holiday season has started already, it's only the beginning of November." Well let me throw you into further disbelief, the holiday season actually started just before Halloween, even if it was much less noticable then.

Before we go on and I show you all this evidence I've spent countless hours (seconds) looking for, let's remember last year. What was with last year huh?? I was barely done digesting my turkey and mashed potatoes when the local radio station announced that they were from that moment until New Years, playing purely Christmas music. Personally, I was overjoyed, I was ready to get into the Christmas spirit. But I think most people wanted to finish their stuffing.

This year it's starting even earlier. Maybe the radio stations aren't playing around the clock Christmas songs just yet, but, day-by-day, it's becoming clearer that the holidays are here. So far I've seen a total of two Christmas commericals and I don't watch that much TV. Stores are getting out their Christmas stock and setting up their Christmas displays (but that's mostly because nobody likes the giant turkey and uptight pilgrim displays). And, most of all, holidays like Haunakah and Ramadan are already being ignored and overshadowed by a jolly fat man. (No letters please).

But perhaps the most damning evidence of all is my MP3 player. It's gone and filled itself with 100 Christmas songs and nothing else. Everytime I turn it on, my ears are treated to the joy of chipmunks asking for a hoola-hoop and Frosty once again thumpity thumping (look at him go). I don't know how it happened, and I don't know how movies like Elf and The Santa Clause keep finding their way in my DVD player. All I know is that it's infected me and that bubble of Christmas spirit within me has already started to expand.

By the way, if you're reading this and disagree that there are signs of Christmas already, look again. Is THIS not a sign of Christmas? "Oh...crap," you're thinking. I'm sorry. But cheer up, IT'S CHRISTMAS!

- Rian

Round of Applause

2005-11-04T00:02:00.000-05:00

I hope to start getting into the "serious" stuff as soon as possible. For now, however, just an introducotry post will do.

The title of the blog is sarcastic. Since this blog will focus on tackling issues of politics, entertainment, and mainly video games, it's easy to see how anything could ever get a true round of applause. Perhaps not everything is as horrible as such as sarcastic title implies, but the blog is comedic based. There's nothing in life that anyone should ever get too serious about, because laughter is the basis of life. So expect serious topics under a comedic light.

With that all said, I just want to end now with a quote from the great satirical writer Kurt Vonnegut:

"Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything"

- Rian