Elevator Etiquette

Perhaps one of the most uncomfortable places in the world is inside an elevator. It just isn't natural for any number of people to be housed within a small moving box. Sometimes the building that the elevator is in tries to beautify the elevator which can only make it worse. Elevator music is often criticized and usually the wallpaper is abhorrent. Yet nothing will ever compare to the tension between people.

Let's check out some scientific drawings of elevators situations you might find yourself in:


This is proper elevator etiquette for two people who don't know each other. If you're ever in an elevator, think of this picture and follow it. Okay, maybe you don't have to stand spread eagle and you'll never be able to hover a foot off the floor, but the message is: keep your distance. You don't know who that other person is or where they've been, they may very well bite.

Now what you don't want to do is difficult for me to show in a 2-D picture. But if you get in the elevator and the other person stands right in the middle of one of the walls, or worse, right in the middle of the whole damn elevator, this puts you in an awkward position. Your best bet is to find a nice place and turn your body away from that person. This should convey the message that you don't want rabies.



This is the most uncomfortable situation that a person can be put in. You don't know this person, so why are they talking to you? There's no need for conversation in a closed box for a ten second ride. I don't carry on a conversation with you on a roller coaster, so why should we converse here. You may argue this is not the same thing, but you're wrong. At the very best I'll converse with you in the same way I do on a roller coaster; I'll yell in your face and throw my hands up into the air.

Now there are exceptions to this rule, as there are to most rules. This picture should perfectly describe this exception:



She's hot! IF she's talking to you, you'd be an idiot not to respond. I don't care who you are, you talk to her. You never know when the elevator could break down and trap both of you in there for hours, bored and lonely, hot and sweaty. Reverse roles in the above picture, depending on gender and/or sexual orientation.

This may seem like common sense, but there are some stupid people out there and I'm happy to be their guide in all aspects of life.

Now let's step it up a level. It won't always be just you and another person in that elevator. Consider this advanced diagram:



Wow! What do you do here? I'm not going to lie, it's not a pretty situation. Look at the people on the very left and the very right. They're all smashed against walls and pissed off no doubt. That guy second from the left, he feels inadequate standing next to such a big guy on his right. That guy second from right, his head is grotesquely huge. And the guy in the middle is fat as far as stick people go. Now this may have nothing to do with your present situation, but the point I'm trying to make is that when you're in an elevator, your worst physical flaw can make you feel exposed. And just about everyone feels cramped. For most people this just compounds their deep fear that somebody is going to let one rip.

My solution? Drop to the floor and curl into a fetal position. Suck your thumb if that makes you feel better. When the elevator gets to your floor, crawl out on all fours. If the elevator jams and that fantasy of getting stuck with a hot girl turns into that nightmare of getting stuck with four freaks, just hold your breath until you pass out. Then pray to God that when you wake up, it's in a nice comfortable hospital bed. It's the quickest way out of a bad situation, short of killing yourself.

The best thing to remember when you're in an uncomfortable situation with one or more people is to not overreact, nor do you want to underreact. Play it cool, but don't mellow out. Act like yourself, but remember that nobody likes you. Bottom line: You're fucked.

- Rian