Famous Last Words

Despite the evidence to the contrary, I know that at least one thousand people read my ramblings every day. As such, I think it's a shame how little you know about me. If we're going to have such a close relationship then we should really keep the channels of communication open. However, since it's impossible for me to obtain and retain (ha) information about all of you, then I'll just share stuff about myself.

First off, I'm a libra. Libra is the constellation that isn't an animal or a person, it's just a scale...for measuring stuff. I don't know what my sign says about me, although I'm sure it isn't good.

Now to the meat and potatos of this post: my hobbies. One of my many hobbies is something that I like to call "Wiki-Surfing". This trademarked phrase is exactly what it sounds like; I surf Wikipedia, the massive online encyclopedia. I don't know what about it that I love so much, but the large amounts of knowledge I gain from it on a daily basis is astounding. For example, I've learned a lot about The Golden Age of Sail and the corresponding Age of Piracy. I know the basics of the laws of thermodynamics. I've learned about the future of the world through theories such as the Singularity. I recently brushed up on my sailing lingo. Mostly I've learned a lot of history, mostly of old wars like the Revolutionary War, the Civil War, and the Napoleonic Wars.

The reason for this post, however, is my most recent excursion into the wide world of Wikipedia (say that three times fast). While browsing earlier this morning, I came across a page called, "Famous Last Words". This page catalouged exactly what it sounds like, the last words of many famous people or people who became famous because of their unique last words. I would like to share many of these, divded into various categories.

Touching/Heartfelt Last Words
- Henry Ward Beecher "Now comes the mystery."
Do you know who this is? Yea, me neither. Apparently he was some kind of evangelist. Which is interesting because you wouldn't think that an evangelist would call death a "mystery". I thought evangelists were pretty clear and confident on what happened after death. Maybe this guy was full of it? We'll never know. RIP.

- Alexander Graham Bell "So little done, so much to do."
In case you're an idiot and have never been to any type of social studies class, this is the man who invented the telephone. He had a big bushy beard like Santa Clause. I find his last words to be very arrogant, despite how touching and deep they are. When you've invented something that changes the face of the world for the rest of time then you don't get the luxury of saying you've done little with your life. RIP.

- Lord Byron "Now I shall go to sleep. Good night."
Leave it to a poet to say something corny like that. If you think about it though, using these as your last words is just a fancy of way of saying, "Goodbye", which is just a really cliche and stupid thing to say as you kick it. In his defense though, "goodbye", is far better than saying, "Damnit, not immortal," which will probably be my last words. RIP.

- Thomas Edison "It's very beautiful over there."
While this seems very nice and peacful, he was more than likely just delerious beyond belief at the time. Perhaps he was seeing the gates of Heaven and the gardens of eternity but more than likely he was looking into his own lightbulb invention and thinking it was the grand light of God. Still, don't judge him, I'd be amazed if you're able to die in such a poetic way. RIP.

- Benjamin Guggenheim "Dressed in our best, prepared to go down like gentlemen."
To understand this quote it helps to know who Benny G was. He was one of those rich fuckers who went down with the Titantic. So, in this view, it's easy to see just how pretentious his last words are. At the same time I respect him for how he died. Very classy. RIP.

- Edgar Allen Poe "Lord help my poor soul."
What?! Does this really sound like some Edgar Allen Poe would say on his deathbed? I never imagined the cousin marrying, depression plagued, dark goth poet would say something like that. Some people say that these weren't his last words, that in fact they were: "It's all over now; write 'Eddy is no more'." Hm, yea, that sounds more like something he would say. RIP Eddy.


Comedic
- Lady Astor "Am I dying or is this my birthday?"
Lady Astor was the first woman in British parliment. She said these words when she woke up and saw her entire family around her bed. Even if she wasn't a politician I'd be amazed at her ability to make jokes while she's dying. RIP.

- John Barrymore "Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."
And then he died. He is the grandfather of actress Drew Barrymore, in case you were wondering. The comedic value of his last words is not in what he said but the inherent irony in the fact that he then proceeded to die. If Drew Barrymore ever dies, she'll be letting down her grandfather like her father did before her. RIP.

- Richard Feynman "I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring."
This man was a physicist, which has nothing to do with anything. Can't you just imagine him, stricken by sickness and forced to remain in bed for the rest of his days? I would imagine it actually is quite boring. Lucky for him it's impossible to die twice, so he'll never have to experience such boredom again. RIP.

- Joseph Henry Green "Stopped."
This is the coolest doctor in the world. He actually checked his own pulse, said that word, and then died. If that's not the sweetest way to leave this world, I don't know what is. Apparently, though, he wasn't cool enough to get his own page on Wikipedia, so I can't link his name for you to learn more about him. Sorry. RIP.

- Oscar Wilde "My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or other of us has got to go."
He may have just been completely out of his mind at the end of his life, or perhaps he's just the funniest man who ever lived. If he's not the funniest man who ever lived then he's definitely the only man to lose a duel to wallpaper. His words are very clear, only one of them could live, and obviously it wasn't him, so the wallpaper won. RIP.


Death Row
- George Appel "Well, gentlemen, you are about to see a baked Appel."
Can I get a rim shot? As you'll see through all the famous last words of people about to be executed in various ways, they say the darndest things. This is more than likely because they actually are given time to think about what they're going to say and they're not sick/delrious when they say it. There's no RIP for murderers.

- Thomas de Mahay Favras upon being handed his official death sentence as he was led to the scaffold during the Reign of Terror: "I see that you have made three spelling mistakes"
Talk about a slap in the face. You may be about kill me, but at least I know how to spell. How do you think they responded? "Oh, really? Well that's no good, we'll have to kill you another day." I know I'm making fun of a lot of dead people here, but just put yourself in this guy's shoes. You're being lead to the platform to be hanged and you take time to correct your executioner's writing. That's amazing, this guy has balls...or had. RIP.

- James French "How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? 'French Fries'."
Obviously this guy was given the electric chair. Did he know George Appel though? They have that same witty sense of humor that not only leads to them laughing in the face of death but to also make fun of their own names in the process. I hope a reporter took his advice and used that as a headline. Again, though, he's a murderer so he doesn't get a RIP.

- Barbara Graham convicted murderess to executioner Joe Feretti who was in charge of her 1955 gas-chamber execution. "Now take a deep breath and it won't bother you", Feretti said. To which Barbara retorted: "How in the hell would you know?"
This woman wasn't just a murder, she was a serial killer. Despite how great of a retort this is, I'm not sure how much it accomplishes. Sure, she hit executioner Feretti with an amazing comeback but then he got to legally murder her. So he got the last laugh in the end.


What the Fuck?
- Alfred Jarry "I am dying, please...bring me a toothpick."
Nobody wants to die with that piece of food stuck in their teeth. You don't want to be standing at the pearly gates only to have St. Peter whisper in your ear, "Hey man, not to embarrass you or anything, but you've got a huge piece of chicken stuck in your teeth." In his defense, Wikipedia describes him as a "French playwrite and absurdist". I don't know what an absurdist is, but I'm sure being one had some effect on his final words. RIP.

- Sam Kinison "Oh, ok. Ok."
Ok. You'd expect somebody who lived their life as a comedian to go out saying something even remotely funny. But whatever. RIP.

- Socrates "Crito, I owe a rooster to Asclepius. Will you remember to pay the debt?"
Perhaps these words hold some hidden psychological lesson...but I doubt it. What kind of person dies trying to repay a debt? You're dead, all bets are off. And it is, after all, just a stupid rooster. RIP.

- Josef Stalin "Where am I...What the hell? Oh God dammit no!...I couldn't find the left foot sock. Is it under the chair?"
Stalin is perhaps one of the most infamous names of the 20th century and will be remembered for all of time for his great manly mustache (not like Hitler's pussy-stache). So who would've imagined that such a man would spend his last moment worried about where he misplaced his left sock. "What? Where am I? I'm dying?! Dammit, where's my left sock?" RIP.

- Henry David Thoreau "Moose...Indian"
Uh...what? If there existed an award for the most random thing to say as you die, Thoreau would win. Personally, I'm not a very big fan of his writing, but I'm a huge fan of his final words. I feel like there's no more I could say to make fun of these words, they're just so weird that I think my work is done. There's nothing I can do but laugh. RIP.


And finally, the TOP 3 FINAL WORDS of all time:

1. Pancho Villa "Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."
Unfortunately for him, they DID let it end like that. Clearly whoever he died in front of did not love him at all. Pancho Villa specifically told that person to lie for him, to tell everybody that he said something inspiring and historic, and they didn't do that for him. So now Pancho Villa can go down in history for being the least creative dying man ever. RIP.

2. John Sedwgwick Union Army General, was observing the lines at Spotsylvania when his men warned him to be wary of Confederate sharpshooters: "They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."
Arrogance claims another life. If I were a general in any war, I would want to go down in history for my clever battle tactics and my bravery in the face of unsurmountable odds. Sadly, this guy went down in history for blind stupidity. The only reason he makes the top 3 is because he got shot and killed WHILE saying that they could never hit him. Fate has a cruel sense of humor sometimes. RIP.

1. Voltaire (on his death bed when asked by a priest to renounce Satan): "Now now, dear man, this is not the time to be making enemies."
Who knew the French writer/philosopher was such a funny guy. I find it deplorable that he didn't actually renounce Satan on his deathbed, but you can't deny his logic. In my mind, Voltaire earned this number 1 spot by a long shot. I read through 189 famous last words and this one, more so than any of them, made me laugh like crazy. If there is an ultimate response to somebody telling you to renounce Satan on your deathbed, this is it, there's no better way to respond to that. Bravo, Voltaire, bravo! RIP.


So that's the list. Obviously I left a lot out. There were other slightly humorous sayings and other deep, touching ones, but these were the best. I would give you the link to the page to decide for yourself, but it's insulting to think that you don't believe me. So just trust me on this one.

As an ending note I'd like to talk about Albert Einstein's last words. Nobody knows what they are, but this isn't because nobody was there when he said them. The problem was that he said them in his native German tongue and he died here in America under the care of an American nurse who didn't speak anything but English. The sad thing is that Einstein's final words were probably the secret to life or the conclusion of his research on the existence of God. Yet, for all we know he could've said, "McDonald's hamburgers are the greatest invention of the 20th century." RIP Mr. Einstein.

Stop reading.

- Rian