Famous Last Words

Despite the evidence to the contrary, I know that at least one thousand people read my ramblings every day. As such, I think it's a shame how little you know about me. If we're going to have such a close relationship then we should really keep the channels of communication open. However, since it's impossible for me to obtain and retain (ha) information about all of you, then I'll just share stuff about myself.

First off, I'm a libra. Libra is the constellation that isn't an animal or a person, it's just a scale...for measuring stuff. I don't know what my sign says about me, although I'm sure it isn't good.

Now to the meat and potatos of this post: my hobbies. One of my many hobbies is something that I like to call "Wiki-Surfing". This trademarked phrase is exactly what it sounds like; I surf Wikipedia, the massive online encyclopedia. I don't know what about it that I love so much, but the large amounts of knowledge I gain from it on a daily basis is astounding. For example, I've learned a lot about The Golden Age of Sail and the corresponding Age of Piracy. I know the basics of the laws of thermodynamics. I've learned about the future of the world through theories such as the Singularity. I recently brushed up on my sailing lingo. Mostly I've learned a lot of history, mostly of old wars like the Revolutionary War, the Civil War, and the Napoleonic Wars.

The reason for this post, however, is my most recent excursion into the wide world of Wikipedia (say that three times fast). While browsing earlier this morning, I came across a page called, "Famous Last Words". This page catalouged exactly what it sounds like, the last words of many famous people or people who became famous because of their unique last words. I would like to share many of these, divded into various categories.

Touching/Heartfelt Last Words
- Henry Ward Beecher "Now comes the mystery."
Do you know who this is? Yea, me neither. Apparently he was some kind of evangelist. Which is interesting because you wouldn't think that an evangelist would call death a "mystery". I thought evangelists were pretty clear and confident on what happened after death. Maybe this guy was full of it? We'll never know. RIP.

- Alexander Graham Bell "So little done, so much to do."
In case you're an idiot and have never been to any type of social studies class, this is the man who invented the telephone. He had a big bushy beard like Santa Clause. I find his last words to be very arrogant, despite how touching and deep they are. When you've invented something that changes the face of the world for the rest of time then you don't get the luxury of saying you've done little with your life. RIP.

- Lord Byron "Now I shall go to sleep. Good night."
Leave it to a poet to say something corny like that. If you think about it though, using these as your last words is just a fancy of way of saying, "Goodbye", which is just a really cliche and stupid thing to say as you kick it. In his defense though, "goodbye", is far better than saying, "Damnit, not immortal," which will probably be my last words. RIP.

- Thomas Edison "It's very beautiful over there."
While this seems very nice and peacful, he was more than likely just delerious beyond belief at the time. Perhaps he was seeing the gates of Heaven and the gardens of eternity but more than likely he was looking into his own lightbulb invention and thinking it was the grand light of God. Still, don't judge him, I'd be amazed if you're able to die in such a poetic way. RIP.

- Benjamin Guggenheim "Dressed in our best, prepared to go down like gentlemen."
To understand this quote it helps to know who Benny G was. He was one of those rich fuckers who went down with the Titantic. So, in this view, it's easy to see just how pretentious his last words are. At the same time I respect him for how he died. Very classy. RIP.

- Edgar Allen Poe "Lord help my poor soul."
What?! Does this really sound like some Edgar Allen Poe would say on his deathbed? I never imagined the cousin marrying, depression plagued, dark goth poet would say something like that. Some people say that these weren't his last words, that in fact they were: "It's all over now; write 'Eddy is no more'." Hm, yea, that sounds more like something he would say. RIP Eddy.


Comedic
- Lady Astor "Am I dying or is this my birthday?"
Lady Astor was the first woman in British parliment. She said these words when she woke up and saw her entire family around her bed. Even if she wasn't a politician I'd be amazed at her ability to make jokes while she's dying. RIP.

- John Barrymore "Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."
And then he died. He is the grandfather of actress Drew Barrymore, in case you were wondering. The comedic value of his last words is not in what he said but the inherent irony in the fact that he then proceeded to die. If Drew Barrymore ever dies, she'll be letting down her grandfather like her father did before her. RIP.

- Richard Feynman "I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring."
This man was a physicist, which has nothing to do with anything. Can't you just imagine him, stricken by sickness and forced to remain in bed for the rest of his days? I would imagine it actually is quite boring. Lucky for him it's impossible to die twice, so he'll never have to experience such boredom again. RIP.

- Joseph Henry Green "Stopped."
This is the coolest doctor in the world. He actually checked his own pulse, said that word, and then died. If that's not the sweetest way to leave this world, I don't know what is. Apparently, though, he wasn't cool enough to get his own page on Wikipedia, so I can't link his name for you to learn more about him. Sorry. RIP.

- Oscar Wilde "My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or other of us has got to go."
He may have just been completely out of his mind at the end of his life, or perhaps he's just the funniest man who ever lived. If he's not the funniest man who ever lived then he's definitely the only man to lose a duel to wallpaper. His words are very clear, only one of them could live, and obviously it wasn't him, so the wallpaper won. RIP.


Death Row
- George Appel "Well, gentlemen, you are about to see a baked Appel."
Can I get a rim shot? As you'll see through all the famous last words of people about to be executed in various ways, they say the darndest things. This is more than likely because they actually are given time to think about what they're going to say and they're not sick/delrious when they say it. There's no RIP for murderers.

- Thomas de Mahay Favras upon being handed his official death sentence as he was led to the scaffold during the Reign of Terror: "I see that you have made three spelling mistakes"
Talk about a slap in the face. You may be about kill me, but at least I know how to spell. How do you think they responded? "Oh, really? Well that's no good, we'll have to kill you another day." I know I'm making fun of a lot of dead people here, but just put yourself in this guy's shoes. You're being lead to the platform to be hanged and you take time to correct your executioner's writing. That's amazing, this guy has balls...or had. RIP.

- James French "How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? 'French Fries'."
Obviously this guy was given the electric chair. Did he know George Appel though? They have that same witty sense of humor that not only leads to them laughing in the face of death but to also make fun of their own names in the process. I hope a reporter took his advice and used that as a headline. Again, though, he's a murderer so he doesn't get a RIP.

- Barbara Graham convicted murderess to executioner Joe Feretti who was in charge of her 1955 gas-chamber execution. "Now take a deep breath and it won't bother you", Feretti said. To which Barbara retorted: "How in the hell would you know?"
This woman wasn't just a murder, she was a serial killer. Despite how great of a retort this is, I'm not sure how much it accomplishes. Sure, she hit executioner Feretti with an amazing comeback but then he got to legally murder her. So he got the last laugh in the end.


What the Fuck?
- Alfred Jarry "I am dying, please...bring me a toothpick."
Nobody wants to die with that piece of food stuck in their teeth. You don't want to be standing at the pearly gates only to have St. Peter whisper in your ear, "Hey man, not to embarrass you or anything, but you've got a huge piece of chicken stuck in your teeth." In his defense, Wikipedia describes him as a "French playwrite and absurdist". I don't know what an absurdist is, but I'm sure being one had some effect on his final words. RIP.

- Sam Kinison "Oh, ok. Ok."
Ok. You'd expect somebody who lived their life as a comedian to go out saying something even remotely funny. But whatever. RIP.

- Socrates "Crito, I owe a rooster to Asclepius. Will you remember to pay the debt?"
Perhaps these words hold some hidden psychological lesson...but I doubt it. What kind of person dies trying to repay a debt? You're dead, all bets are off. And it is, after all, just a stupid rooster. RIP.

- Josef Stalin "Where am I...What the hell? Oh God dammit no!...I couldn't find the left foot sock. Is it under the chair?"
Stalin is perhaps one of the most infamous names of the 20th century and will be remembered for all of time for his great manly mustache (not like Hitler's pussy-stache). So who would've imagined that such a man would spend his last moment worried about where he misplaced his left sock. "What? Where am I? I'm dying?! Dammit, where's my left sock?" RIP.

- Henry David Thoreau "Moose...Indian"
Uh...what? If there existed an award for the most random thing to say as you die, Thoreau would win. Personally, I'm not a very big fan of his writing, but I'm a huge fan of his final words. I feel like there's no more I could say to make fun of these words, they're just so weird that I think my work is done. There's nothing I can do but laugh. RIP.


And finally, the TOP 3 FINAL WORDS of all time:

1. Pancho Villa "Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something."
Unfortunately for him, they DID let it end like that. Clearly whoever he died in front of did not love him at all. Pancho Villa specifically told that person to lie for him, to tell everybody that he said something inspiring and historic, and they didn't do that for him. So now Pancho Villa can go down in history for being the least creative dying man ever. RIP.

2. John Sedwgwick Union Army General, was observing the lines at Spotsylvania when his men warned him to be wary of Confederate sharpshooters: "They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."
Arrogance claims another life. If I were a general in any war, I would want to go down in history for my clever battle tactics and my bravery in the face of unsurmountable odds. Sadly, this guy went down in history for blind stupidity. The only reason he makes the top 3 is because he got shot and killed WHILE saying that they could never hit him. Fate has a cruel sense of humor sometimes. RIP.

1. Voltaire (on his death bed when asked by a priest to renounce Satan): "Now now, dear man, this is not the time to be making enemies."
Who knew the French writer/philosopher was such a funny guy. I find it deplorable that he didn't actually renounce Satan on his deathbed, but you can't deny his logic. In my mind, Voltaire earned this number 1 spot by a long shot. I read through 189 famous last words and this one, more so than any of them, made me laugh like crazy. If there is an ultimate response to somebody telling you to renounce Satan on your deathbed, this is it, there's no better way to respond to that. Bravo, Voltaire, bravo! RIP.


So that's the list. Obviously I left a lot out. There were other slightly humorous sayings and other deep, touching ones, but these were the best. I would give you the link to the page to decide for yourself, but it's insulting to think that you don't believe me. So just trust me on this one.

As an ending note I'd like to talk about Albert Einstein's last words. Nobody knows what they are, but this isn't because nobody was there when he said them. The problem was that he said them in his native German tongue and he died here in America under the care of an American nurse who didn't speak anything but English. The sad thing is that Einstein's final words were probably the secret to life or the conclusion of his research on the existence of God. Yet, for all we know he could've said, "McDonald's hamburgers are the greatest invention of the 20th century." RIP Mr. Einstein.

Stop reading.

- Rian

National Holiday

The Flu Skirmish of 2006
- Outcome: Perhaps this “skirmish” is not as grand
of a battle as many previous, but still worth mentioning because it happened
recently and it’s the only date I’m sure I have right. For much time it was
unsure of whether the invading enemy was a simple flu or perhaps a more
dangerous foe, such as mononucleosis. The deciding outcome of the battle is not
yet clear as pockets of resistance still linger. My katana carrying friends are
gaining much ground very quickly and so I have no reason to doubt their
dominance on the battlefield once again.

That was my description for the current plague of my body. I called it a skirmish because it seemed to be going away at the time. This, however, was not the case. In fact, the nasty flu invaders were using blitzkrieg tactics against my white blood cell army.

For the past week and a half my white blood cell army has been fighting valiantly in this so called "skirmish". A few days ago I upgraded this event from "skirmish" to "war" and today I am happy to announce that the war has been won. To be sure this time I waited a few days to see if there would be a relapse, and there has not been. There may still exist pockets of resistance here and there, but nothing that can make any real impact on my body anymore.

Let us celebrate another grand victory!! Let January 23rd be considered a national holiday for all of the United States!!

Stop reading.

P.S. - assuming you haven't listened to me and continued to read, I'd like to say that I've written a short play for my playwriting class and I'm thinking about posting it here when I feel it's complete enough. It's called "Life Itself"...which really doesn't tell you anything about it and in fact that title isn't exactly etched in stone. You should keep checking back every hour until you see it. You can actually stop reading now.

- Rian

A History of Virus

Sometimes when I'm sick I like to think there's a battle of epic, Lord of the Rings, proportions taking place within my body. On one side there is the invading army of germs or viruses and on the other side is my own army made up of these little white cells, armed with bows and arrows and katanas, ready to chop the heads off the barbarians.

The invading army is relentless. No matter how many times they've entered my body, teeth bared, bringing hell down within me, they always comes back. They've never yet won the battle against my formidable white-bloody-buddies yet this does not deter them. For the invading army still knows that they can cause considerable damage and perhaps they hope that they will damage me enough that the next invading army will deal the finishing blow.

Alas, my own army is young and strong. Each have been well trained since birth (which was probably only days before) and all fight with the tenacity of ten of any of the viruses. They know their skills far outmatch those of the viruses and they have strength in numbers too. The only advantage the viruses have is the element of surprise. The white blood cells never know where the enemy might attack and, unfortunately, they are some slow muther fuckers getting onto the scene. Yet, when they do, they show why few can stand against their might.

I can only hope my white blood cell army will always stay so strong and confident. There are many invading barbarian germs out there that could possibly topple their dominance, but with a little luck and responsiblity, those fierce enemies can be avoided.


Epic battles to date:

The Chicken Pox of '95
- Outcome: The pox put up a grand fight, making their mark in many places across the battlefield. In the end, the white blood cell army not only defeated the invaders but ensured that they could never come back again.

The 1998 Stomach Flu War
- Outcome: No other enemy has yet to fight harder, as the white blood cell army had to call in the support of its allies at the hospital. Yet, with their combined force, the virus was quickly eradicated.

The Cold War
- Outcome: A string of colds throughout the winter months of 1999-2000 sent me home from school many a time to the chagrin of my parents. The common cold may be a complex and fast enemy yet is hardly a match for the strength of the white blood cell army.

The Strep Throat War of 2002
- Outcome: A vicious and painful battle in which many brave white blood cells lost their lives (maybe). Despite the fact the enemy was mostly concentrated in one part of the battlefield, they put up a surprisingly tough fight. In the end, the white blood cells, through shear numbers and tenacity, destroyed the scourge of the throat.

The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre
- Outcome: This has nothing to do with me or the armies of cells and viruses raging within me throughout my life. In fact, I know very little about this specific event. In fact, I wasn’t even alive when it happened (didn’t it happen in the 1920s?). I just like the name; it’s kind of catchy (no pun intended), like “The Boston Tea Party” or “The Battle of Bunker Hill”.

The Flu Skirmish of 2006
- Outcome: Perhaps this “skirmish” is not as grand of a battle as many previous, but still worth mentioning because it happened recently and it’s the only date I’m sure I have right. For much time it was unsure of whether the invading enemy was a simple flu or perhaps a more dangerous foe, such as mononucleosis. The deciding outcome of the battle is not yet clear as pockets of resistance still linger. My katana carrying friends are gaining much ground very quickly and so I have no reason to doubt their dominance on the battlefield once again.


There have been, of course, many other battles throughout my lifetime, but I can’t remember them all nor would I want to try to write them all out in witty and clever ways.

Isn’t this a fun way to think of how your body works? A scientist would come in and tell me all this boring stuff about white blood cells and flu viruses and he would use all these scientific stupid words until I fall asleep.

Did you know that there are actually diseases that can be caused by white blood cells? I call this civil war or mutiny.

To learn more, go here: The Real Story of the Courageous Fighters Within Our Bodies

Stop reading.

- Rian

Bein' Single

I got to use the adjective "depressingly interesting" today. It's always an exciting moment in life when you you realize you've said something that you've never said before. I'm so absolutely positive that never in my 19.5 years have I ever used any pairing of words anywhere close to that. In fact, it's probably safe to say those words have never been paired before. Mostly this is because it's a semi-oxymoron.

--------------------> QUICK ENGLISH LESSON

Mr. Clueless from Cleveland says:

Dear Rian (my guide in all aspects of life),

What is an "oxymoron"?

---**---

Dear Mr. Clueless from Cleveland,

An oxymoron is a pairing of words that contradict each other. For example, if you said somthing was happily depressing, that would be an oxymoron because something cannot be happy and depressing at the same time. Generally oxymorons are used in jokes because they make no sense or in poems because poets like to be "morons" themselves.

Want another oxymoron? Creative Poet.

Sincerely,
Rian (your guide in all aspects of life)

--------------------> END ENGLISH LESSON

Now that we're all on the same page, I say that "depressingly interesting" is a semi-oxymoron because the two words aren't exactly idependent opposites. To state my case, I'll explain what lead to me using this adjective.

I was reading a bulletin on Myspace. I'm not happy to announce that I have a Myspace, but I do, so get over yourself. Anyway, it was a bulletin that my friend titled "Bein' Single". Basically all it was was people posting the reasons they think they're single. With the exception of one or two people, everybody had a reason. When it comes to the few people who said "I don't know," well, that's total bullshit. If you're single you have a reason why, even if you don't want to admit it to yourself or even if the reason is complete bullshit too.

Most people have good reasons though that I think are thoughts that the majority of the people on this planet share. Let me share some of these, followed by my commentary (minus the names of course).

"Because I'm nice and girls don't go for the nice guys."
---> Bullshit is the word of the day. There's two things wrong with this very common sentence. One, you are not a nice guy. There's no such thing as an all around "nice" guy. There IS such a thing as a nice guy, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder, if you get my drift. You are not nice to everyone, you break hearts, you lead girls on even when you don't mean to, you're an asshole sometimes even if you don't realize it. Two, girls ARE looking for the nice guy, but for THEIR nice guy. Saying that girls don't go for the nice guy is just something you say to make yourself feel better. She could be going out with the nicest guy in the world and you'd still think he was a dick just because you're not him. Girls want what they want, if that's not you, find another girl who does want you.

"I'm ugly"
---> I'm sorry. Someday you might find someone who disagrees. Plus, such pesimissm never got anybody anywhere.

"Guys are stupid!"
---> So are girls, get over yourself.

"because guys dont like me"
---> I'm dead sure that there has been a guy in your life that has liked you and you either didn't know about it or didn't return those feelings. Guys DO like you, but the only guys that matter to you are the ones that you like. Perhaps those guys didn't like you (maybe some did?) but regardless, eventually you'll find one who will.

"Because my last boyfriend turned out to be married."
---> Yeah, you might want to avoid that.

"cause i go after the ungettable.i need help."
---> Nobody is "ungettable," sounds like a confidence problem.

"Just too many of them play games and just cant be into one person and be happy with just one person"
---> I agree. People who play games aren't worth it. Either you want something or you don't. Things can get confusing enough without playing games too. Sometimes games can be a good way to prove how much a person is in to you, but they can also push people away who are very very in to you. The people who can't be happy with just one person are the people who are searching too much for "the one" instead of just jumping in and being happy with "the one right now."

"I'm single because I'm weird and no one can handle me"
---> Are you proud of that or not? I hope you are. You just need somebody else who is really weird and can go blow for blow with you. (That's a boxing metaphor, nothing sexual)

"Because im fat and shy as hell"
---> Lose weight, get confident.

"Basically because I don't know what I want."
---> I think this is a problem a lot of people have, but they usually don't admit it. Kudos to this girl.

"I guess because guyz only date pretty girlz"
---> That's not true. I've seen plenty of guys with some pretty ugly girls, I'm sure they think their girlfriends are beautiful though. (On a side note...don't use the letter 'z' to replace 's'...that's just annoying).

"Nice guys finish last."
---> You're always going to finish last if you walk the race while everybody else is running.

"I want a pretty girl that doesn't think she's to good for everyone and those dont exist! Oh and they have the cooties."
---> Yes they do and some do. haha

"because I haven't found a man who is intellectually and emotionally on my plane who also has the ability to be completely adoring but yet not smothering. Who makes me laugh constantly and enjoys the same things I do. But it could just be all these unsightly warts on my face and body!!"
---> Yea...I'm gonna go with the warts thing.

"I do not really know. Sometimes I think it is because I have short hair and guys only like long hair. Other times I think it is because I am not a whore or because I am smart and guys dig simple duh girls. Still, sometimes I think it is because I am so picky, and tired of dating losers and just holding out for someone worth dating"
---> Your hair doesn't matter except to the most shallow of men. Not a whore is a good thing, stick with that. Smart is very good, "simple duh girls" are not. Now that last sentence, about being picky, that seems to be very common. Personally, that's my problem. I'm ridiculously picky which really lowers my options. In my opinion you should never lower your standards, being picky might get you sometimes, but when you do find someone it will be more worth it than anything.

"cuz i change too much. guys dont like that."
---> Yea, they don't...someone might though, find that person.

"maybe i'm afride of change. maybe i should take more chances."
---> Knowing what to do and actually doing it are two very different things.

"Because im a selfish bitch."
---> At least you know it.

"Bein' pessimistic and pretty much always feeling like I'm never perfect for her, feeling I can always be better. That it's just never enough."
---> There's no such thing as perfect. Confidence is the key. I see two options, continue to feel this way and sabotage everything or realize how much she means to you and start being yourself more so you don't lose her.


There were a lot more than this but some were repeats, some were stupid, some were jokes. But as you can see, it is rather "depressingly interesting."

Honestly, I'm the last person to be giving relationship advice or maybe I just need to follow some of my own advice lol. But really, I'm with a lot of people on that list who said they enjoy being single. Sometimes it's just about having fun.

Stop reading...and go have fun.

- Rian