Rue the Day

Did you get here by clicking a Johnny Cash line in my profile? Want more? The taste of love is sweet, when hearts like ours meet, i fell for ya like a child, ohhh but the fire went wild, i fell in to a burning ring of fire, i went down down down but the flames went higher, and it burns burns burns the ring of fire

Anyway...it's finals time. This is the one time of the year you might catch me putting in some actual work. I want to stress the word MIGHT.

Of course, if I had an Xbox 360 you could bet I wouldn't be putting in ANY work and just leave my exam grades up to fate. But perhaps FATE has kept me from my lovely 360 for a reason. Damn you fate! You'll rue the day you crossed me!

So I WILL be studying for exams was my point. I have four classes, three finals, and a paper. The American Lit final and the Critical Thinking final will require a little studying I suppose. And I guess I'll look at past tests for that Math final. But that paper...damn that paper. That damn history paper. So it's on this book called "The Adventures of Ibn Battuta"...but don't let the word 'Adventures' fool you...he was actually quite the boring guy. Well I assume he is, I haven't read the book. The paper is due tomorrow at 12:30 pm...it's currently 9:45 pm and I know nothing about Ibn Battuta. I found some sites earlier that I can get my info from...but I procrastinate.

Damn that paper.

Thursday I get drunk...so drunk. I hope. Celebrate the end of the week!

What was the point of this post?

Stop reading.

Wasting Time

This is a mini-update, not really a post. I AM working on something, but it's not done yet and that's why there's a delay. Which is sad, because I so wanted to at least have something up every Friday. You may be saying "Well Friday isn't over, get going." Well beside telling you to shut up and mind your own bees wax, I would also say that it's national Harry Potter day and I have to coordinate with close affiliates (people I like to call "friends") to go see the movie sometime today.

But I decided to do this mini blurb for 3 reasons:
1) To waste my time
2) More importantly...to waste YOUR time
3) This funny conversation between a friend and me. It was on AIM and it's only 2 messages, but it's funny, I give you my word (which is worth very little btw):

Ragtag0Rian0: the irony of my situation is that i was getting in my car to go to the bookstore and buy a Bible...only to realize I have a flat...what does that mean?
Rampage******: Jesus wants you to walk

I censored part of his screen name because I don't think he wants you bothering him. If you IM'd me on the other hand, I think I could bother you more than you'd bother me. I'd out-bother you in a professional bother-0ff (that word loses it's meaning fast huh? bother bother bother).

And yes, I was going to buy a Bible. I thought it was time I read up on that Heaven and Hell stuff. Mostly this is all because of a book series I'm reading called Left Behind. They're action fantasy books based on end times prophesies from the Book of Revelations. Now that may not sound like your cup of tea, so let me reword it. They're books about massive worldwide EARTHQUAKES...a corrupted, Satanic-worshiping politician who decieves the world populace and takes CONTROL...a group of people against the evil world goverment who are FUGITIVES and SUBVERSIVES...PLAUGES and ASTEROIDS and WATER TURNING TO BLOOD!!!!
(insert dramatic music here)
Everyone likes books about espionage, death, destruction, chaos, and deceit.

And yes, my car has a flat tire. And no, I don't know how to change a tire; it's not something that was ever offered to me to learn, nor did I ever take an interest in learning. If you want, you can feel free to come here right now, get down in the snow, and change it for me. Be my fucking guest.

Stop reading.

- Rian

Boosting the Business

There is a movie that is coming out soon that I think everybody should know about. There may be many highly publicized movies and huge Christmas blockbusters coming out soon, but these Hollywood high-rollers shouldn't keep us from recognizing the truly entertaining, although not as well-known, upcoming releases. And so, in honor of this movie, I'm writing a special entry in my blog to bring some publicity on what could possibly be one of the greatest movies of the year. Some of you may have heard of it, but most have probably not. So let me say this once and let me be very clear: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire comes out in just a few days, DO NOT OVERLOOK IT.

Harry Potter first started as a book series, but never acquired much acclaim. This did not deter the author, J.K Rowling, and she continued to pursue her creation. She has made her story of this young boy a seven part series and six of these seven books are currently on the shelves. If you're not into books or if you're illiterate (in which case you can't even read this...bitch), a courageous movie production firm, named Warner Brothers, has decided to take a chance with putting these books onto the silver screen.

Three of these movies have already been released in the past four years. These first three movies (The Sorcerer's Stone, The Chamber of Secrets, and The Prisoner of Azkaban respectively) went largely unnoticed by critics and mass audiences alike. They did not fly under MY radar however and I recently watched all three. These are pure works of art, a gateway into a fantastic magical world. I have come to love these movies so much that I feel called to spread the word about the upcoming fourth movie which, as previously stated, is called The Goblet of Fire.

Now many of you may not know who Harry Potter is. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'm one of the few places on the Internet where you can hear about this young boy and his stories, but if you're looking for information, you've come to the right place. The series starts with an eleven-year-old Harry, a normal boy, just like you and me...except his parents died when he was a baby and he is now raised by his evil aunt and uncle. And, oh yea, he's a complete loser, the type of kid you would trip in the hallways at school and who would come into school one day with a gun and shoot many fellow students before killing himself. Yet this is not the path that young Harry chose.



Eventually a really fat fat fat man named Hagrid tells this boy he's a wizard. For a long time you think that this giant of a man is some kind of con artist and cheap magician. Then you come to accept that he just might be telling the truth. So Harry goes off to a school for magical boys and girls where little green elves serve them and where pixies and magical beasts of all kinds exist and frolic. Perhaps that sounds a little sarcastic, but you actually learn to accept this as truth too.

In Harry's first year he learns his parents were killed by an evil wizard bent on world domination and the destruction of muggles (that's me and you, non-magic people). Even wizards and witches dare not speak this evil man's name. At the end of the book Harry saves a mythological stone known as the Sorcerer's Stone (AKA Philosophers Stone), which can turn anything to gold and produces an elixir of life, from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. In Harry's second year he kills a snake that can only be described in one way, huge-muther-fucker, by pulling a sword out of an old talking hat. Oh, and a phoenix cries on him to heal his mortal wounds. In his third year, Harry becomes convinced that an escaped convict is the reason for his parents death. He tracks this guy down and is ready to kill him, but becomes apparently hoodwinked into thinking the man is innocent. A brave professor at the school named Snape dares to tell the truth, but his views are denounced and we're once again forced to accept that Harry is right.

Now it's Harry's fourth year and he's back again to his crazy antics. I don't want to ruin it for you, but let's just say it involves dragons, mermaids, a sphinx, murder, and hilarity will NOT ensue. Oh, there's love too, awkward, hormonal, teenage love.

Now I feel the free press I'm giving to this movie will increase its business exponentially. There's no doubt in my mind that because of me this movie will make hundreds of millions of dollars and create hundreds, if not thousands, of fans. If I'm right, I don't ask for any money or any increased popularity, all I ask is for people to give credit where credit is due. I demand respect.

Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire releases two days from now on November 18th, 2005. Don't miss out on what could quickly become one of the biggest fads in the world! And tell the people at the box office that I sent you, they'll know what that means.

- Rian

Elevator Etiquette

Perhaps one of the most uncomfortable places in the world is inside an elevator. It just isn't natural for any number of people to be housed within a small moving box. Sometimes the building that the elevator is in tries to beautify the elevator which can only make it worse. Elevator music is often criticized and usually the wallpaper is abhorrent. Yet nothing will ever compare to the tension between people.

Let's check out some scientific drawings of elevators situations you might find yourself in:


This is proper elevator etiquette for two people who don't know each other. If you're ever in an elevator, think of this picture and follow it. Okay, maybe you don't have to stand spread eagle and you'll never be able to hover a foot off the floor, but the message is: keep your distance. You don't know who that other person is or where they've been, they may very well bite.

Now what you don't want to do is difficult for me to show in a 2-D picture. But if you get in the elevator and the other person stands right in the middle of one of the walls, or worse, right in the middle of the whole damn elevator, this puts you in an awkward position. Your best bet is to find a nice place and turn your body away from that person. This should convey the message that you don't want rabies.



This is the most uncomfortable situation that a person can be put in. You don't know this person, so why are they talking to you? There's no need for conversation in a closed box for a ten second ride. I don't carry on a conversation with you on a roller coaster, so why should we converse here. You may argue this is not the same thing, but you're wrong. At the very best I'll converse with you in the same way I do on a roller coaster; I'll yell in your face and throw my hands up into the air.

Now there are exceptions to this rule, as there are to most rules. This picture should perfectly describe this exception:



She's hot! IF she's talking to you, you'd be an idiot not to respond. I don't care who you are, you talk to her. You never know when the elevator could break down and trap both of you in there for hours, bored and lonely, hot and sweaty. Reverse roles in the above picture, depending on gender and/or sexual orientation.

This may seem like common sense, but there are some stupid people out there and I'm happy to be their guide in all aspects of life.

Now let's step it up a level. It won't always be just you and another person in that elevator. Consider this advanced diagram:



Wow! What do you do here? I'm not going to lie, it's not a pretty situation. Look at the people on the very left and the very right. They're all smashed against walls and pissed off no doubt. That guy second from the left, he feels inadequate standing next to such a big guy on his right. That guy second from right, his head is grotesquely huge. And the guy in the middle is fat as far as stick people go. Now this may have nothing to do with your present situation, but the point I'm trying to make is that when you're in an elevator, your worst physical flaw can make you feel exposed. And just about everyone feels cramped. For most people this just compounds their deep fear that somebody is going to let one rip.

My solution? Drop to the floor and curl into a fetal position. Suck your thumb if that makes you feel better. When the elevator gets to your floor, crawl out on all fours. If the elevator jams and that fantasy of getting stuck with a hot girl turns into that nightmare of getting stuck with four freaks, just hold your breath until you pass out. Then pray to God that when you wake up, it's in a nice comfortable hospital bed. It's the quickest way out of a bad situation, short of killing yourself.

The best thing to remember when you're in an uncomfortable situation with one or more people is to not overreact, nor do you want to underreact. Play it cool, but don't mellow out. Act like yourself, but remember that nobody likes you. Bottom line: You're fucked.

- Rian

Exhibit C - C for Christmas

THIS IS AN EXTENSION OF THE PREVIOUS ARTCILE...SO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY READ THAT FIRST OR ELSE I'LL KEEP HOLDING DOWN THE CAPS LOCK!!!!

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Alright...I've seen even more Christmas commercials now. I think it's a virus my TV has. You know how those viruses can be, spreading to other commercials, killing the Thanksgiving spirit before its due time. Experts say that this virus could mutate into a form more easily tranferable between humans, but I doubt it. I mean...HAH...come on, this ain't no avian bird flu.

I think I've digressed a little too much.

I've compiled this list of sites that have already been bitten by the Christmas bug. Check it out. Ho ho ho.

http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/ - it might just be a small little bit near the bottom, but it's very Christmas-y in that small spot. It will spread.

http://www.amazon.com/ - This one is too horrible, don't look at it. They completely decked their halls with boughs of holly and they're definitely pushing it with the 'let it snow' banner. You think it's bad now? It will spread.

http://www.ebay.com/ - Look at that...holiday ornaments hanging from their links. It's small, it's unobtrusive, but trust me, it will spread.

http://www.target.com/ - They're not even trying to hide it. See Spot save. See Spot eat candy canes. See Spot crap on pictures of pilgrims. I would say "It would spread," but I really don't think that's possible.

http://www.fbi.gov/ - Blatant Ramadan decor everywhere. Alright, I made this one up. But, you have to agree, this site could use a little more red and green...and maybe a menorah.

- Rian

Do You See What I See?

Can you feel it? Are you starting to notice the signs? Perhaps not. Perhaps you're not even looking for said signs because you wouldn't believe they exist already. Or, even worse, perhaps you HAVE noticed the signs and you are now shaking your head in utter disbelief. Either way, it's that time of year yet again. In the musical words of Andy Williams: "It's the holiday season, so whoop dee doo."

Perhaps you think I'm lying to you. You might be thinking as you read this, "What a waste of internet, there's no way the holiday season has started already, it's only the beginning of November." Well let me throw you into further disbelief, the holiday season actually started just before Halloween, even if it was much less noticable then.

Before we go on and I show you all this evidence I've spent countless hours (seconds) looking for, let's remember last year. What was with last year huh?? I was barely done digesting my turkey and mashed potatoes when the local radio station announced that they were from that moment until New Years, playing purely Christmas music. Personally, I was overjoyed, I was ready to get into the Christmas spirit. But I think most people wanted to finish their stuffing.

This year it's starting even earlier. Maybe the radio stations aren't playing around the clock Christmas songs just yet, but, day-by-day, it's becoming clearer that the holidays are here. So far I've seen a total of two Christmas commericals and I don't watch that much TV. Stores are getting out their Christmas stock and setting up their Christmas displays (but that's mostly because nobody likes the giant turkey and uptight pilgrim displays). And, most of all, holidays like Haunakah and Ramadan are already being ignored and overshadowed by a jolly fat man. (No letters please).

But perhaps the most damning evidence of all is my MP3 player. It's gone and filled itself with 100 Christmas songs and nothing else. Everytime I turn it on, my ears are treated to the joy of chipmunks asking for a hoola-hoop and Frosty once again thumpity thumping (look at him go). I don't know how it happened, and I don't know how movies like Elf and The Santa Clause keep finding their way in my DVD player. All I know is that it's infected me and that bubble of Christmas spirit within me has already started to expand.

By the way, if you're reading this and disagree that there are signs of Christmas already, look again. Is THIS not a sign of Christmas? "Oh...crap," you're thinking. I'm sorry. But cheer up, IT'S CHRISTMAS!

- Rian

Round of Applause

I hope to start getting into the "serious" stuff as soon as possible. For now, however, just an introducotry post will do.

The title of the blog is sarcastic. Since this blog will focus on tackling issues of politics, entertainment, and mainly video games, it's easy to see how anything could ever get a true round of applause. Perhaps not everything is as horrible as such as sarcastic title implies, but the blog is comedic based. There's nothing in life that anyone should ever get too serious about, because laughter is the basis of life. So expect serious topics under a comedic light.

With that all said, I just want to end now with a quote from the great satirical writer Kurt Vonnegut:

"Maturity is a bitter disappointment for which no remedy exists, unless laughter could be said to remedy anything"

- Rian